Alright, babies! It's that time again! A time for glitz and glamour, a time for us to celebrate Hollywood's biggest night. Anything can and will happen, ladies and gents! So get ready for your jaw to be forcibly dropped. You are cordially invited to join me at my apartment in order to witness:
[click link]
And, without further ado, here's my annual Oscars predictions email (though I'm skipping a few snoozeworthy categories). I realize it's long but I'm NOT. FUCKING. SORRY. I guess you could skip reading it but then just know you'll be woefully unprepared for Sunday's events. Your funeral!
Now it's important to note that there's one more day of Academy voting. So if Emma Stone is embroiled in a huge sex trafficking scandal tonight, who knows! Or if the fine accountants at Price Waterhouse Cooper somehow forget to carry the one? Ha! The fine accountants at PWC would never and fuck you for even imagining such a scenario for a second!
First up:
Original Screenplay
Hell or High Water, La La Land, The Lobster, Manchester by the Sea, 20th Century Women.
Who should win: Manchester by the Sea
Who will win: This is a tough one. My money is on Manchester for it's muted portrayal of working class Massholes. Word on the street is they hired a script doctor to cut the jokes about "fuckin' ya motha" in half and we all know the Academy loves to honor its script doctors. That said, prepare yourself for a spoiler in the form of La La Land, which will most certainly be on a hot streak come Sunday. As Manchester's Lee Chandler would say: "La La Land is, er ah, fuckin' my motha sideways and frontwads, ya queer." And he wouldn't be wrong!
Adapted screenplay
Arrival, Fences, Hidden Figures, Lion, Moonlight
Who should win: Moonlight
Who will win: Moonlight
Potential spoiler: Hidden Figures.
What was the worst written movie of all fucking time: Arrival. Can someone help me understand who Jeremy Renner was fucking to get cast in this movie? Because God knows I have never seen a more extraneous character in all my years of having eyes. It's like they shot half of it and then someone from the studio saw the dailies of a solo Amy Adams movie and was like:
- "this lady seems too competent and fulfilled on her own. we need to get someone who generates negative sexual energy."
-"This is Hollywood, Steve! Where are we going to find someone so uncharismatic as to actually bring down National Treasure Amy Adams?"
-"Cut the shit, Dan! You know who I'm talking about."
-"Renner? No, Steve. Absolutely not Renner."
-"Yeah well I'm fucking him and if you don't cast Renner to literally provide nothing to the plot, atmospherics, or appeal of this movie it's YOU I'll be fucking!"
[end scene-- and not to pat myself on the back or anything but that was better-written than most of the dialogue in this movie]
Visual Effects
Deepwater Horizon, Doctor Strange, The Jungle Book, Kubo and the Two Strings, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Who will win: Jungle Book
Who will win: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THERE'S ONE MOVIE THIS YEAR THAT LITERALLY BROUGHT BACK AN ACTOR FROM THE DEAD AND THAT'S ROGUE ONE. Raise your hand if you obliterated your panties while watching this technological achievement! Like, you mean to tell me that Lucasfilm undid the necessity of actors in one fell swoop and yet we're going to be handing over an Oscar to some fucking Jungle Book soft reboot? Few know this next part but Rogue One's Line Producer found a spare million in the budget to switch Forest Whitaker's wonky eye from left to right, just to add additional visual interest to the film. It was a genius move and I'm all types of burned up about the fact that Jungle Book is going to take this category just because the director had the foresight to put a monkey really really close to the camera.
Sound Mixing & Editing
Arrival, Hacksaw Ridge, La La Land, Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
Who will win: La La Land
Who should win: La La Land and Arrival were both technologically difficult films to mix (and before you poo poo La La Land, you should know that some of the songs were sung live, which is a tough thing to manage) but it's Hacksaw Ridge that gets my vote for the way in which sound mixers were able to completely rid the soundscape of Mel Gibson's many drunken rants at the craft services table. My sources from the set say that Gibson's tourettic exclamations of anti-semetic slurs were deafening and Andrew Garfield purportedly walked off set when his most heart-wrenching take was ruined by the sound of Gibson falling off a bar stool and grabbing the nearest set of tits for leverage on his way down.
Short Film (Animated)
Blind Vaysha, Borrowed Time, Pear Cider & Cigarettes, Pearl, Piper
Who will win: Piper
Who should win: Blind Vaysha. Yes, I know what you're thinking: Blind Vaysha was too preachy. Hey, I'm right there with you! But few can deny that it has the most unique animation style and, Goddamit, it's a year in which we need the incisive political commentary that can only be captured via animated shorts! Did Piper make me giggle and coo? Yes. It did. Fuck me, I'm weak in the knees for baby birds! But Blind Vaysha reminded me that I have to live for now!
Music (Original Song)
The Fools Who Dream (La La Land), City of Stars (La La Land), Can't Stop the Feeling (Trolls), The Empty Chair (Jim: The James Foley Story), How Far I'll Go (Moana)
Who will win: City of Stars
Who should win: City of Stars. Sorry "Trolls and Trollettes" as you're called. This just isn't the year of Timberlake. He was an easy favorite until the Academy watched Lifetime's Britney biopic this last weekend and realized that he WAY overreacted to Brit's minor indiscretion with choreographer Wade Robson and was cruelly absent when her parents were going through a divorce. Cue: Las Vegas marriage to Jason Alexander and the Federline years. So, you ask, do I feel bad for Timberlake? To which I answer: cry me a river.
Music (Original Score)
Jackie, La La Land, Lion, Moonlight, Passengers
Who will win: La La Land
Who should win: Jackie. The music, while totally overdone and way too on-the-nose, was the only thing that gave form to this amalgamation of close-ups on Natalie Portman's face. Don't believe me that this was the most tightly shot movie of all time? Check out this close-talking:
That, my friends, is supposed to be her priest. When's the last time you Eskimo kissed your priest while engaged in casual conversation? Is this what religion looked like in 1963? No wonder people felt weird about electing a Catholic president.
Jackie's string-based score also provided a solid scaffold around the most liquid movie since Waterworld. We get it, Nat, you can cry on cue and you can smear blood around your face while crying. But was Camelot really this wet? Would we as an American public have allowed such a wet presidency? I guess Director Pablo Larrain's biggest downfall is he didn't go tight enough. I probably would have enjoyed this movie more if he featured his actors just from the bridge of the nose up.
Foreign Language Film
Land of Mine, A Man Called Ove, The Salesman, Tanna, Toni Erdmann
Who will win: The Salesman
Who should win: Toni Erdmann. Director Asghar Farhadi's decision to not attend the Oscars as a protest against Trump was genius PR. And You can bet your bottom dollar that the Academy did not watch any of these movies because they were too busy standing in line to fuck Jeremy Renner. So they'll just go with whatever helps them sleep at night. A divine set of forces, beginning with Hillary's decision to use a private email server and culminating with Trump's inaugural ball dance to My Way set the stage for Farhadi's win and I ain't mad.
Documentary Feature
Fire at Sea, I Am Not Your Negro, Life, Animated, OJ: Made in America, 13th
Who will win: OJ: Made in America
Who should win: This is a powerhouse category this year but few can deny that OJ: Made in America was an impressive achievement. Can someone explain to me tho why a made-for-tv documentary miniseries is suddenly seen as a movie? Like, can I submit my trailer for the Oscars party as a documentary short?
Directing
La La Land, Arrival, Hacksaw Ridge, Manchester By the Sea, Moonlight
Who will win: Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Who should win: I'm staying out of this one because, here's the embarrassing truth: as of this writing I have not watched Moonlight. So I can't really have a horse in this dogfight until I watch later this week. That said, I have to hand it to Chazelle: La La Land is a directorial achievement for the way he was able to walk a tough tonal tightrope and also for the way he was able to edge Miles Teller and Emma Watson out of contention for the lead roles. Teller apparently was totally surprised at the unceremonious shitcanning and reacted, as is his wont, like a boorish dick. Rennerish, if you will. He of course would have been a disastrous lead for this movie as I have no interest in fucking him and thus no use for him as a romantic lead. Gosling, on the other hand ---I would crabwalk up that mountain and 69 down it in record time.
Costume Design
Allied, Fantastic Beasts, Florence Foster Jenkins, Jackie, La La Land
Who will win: La La Land
Who should win: Jackie. I think the academy is supposed to go for La La Land because of its candy colored novelty or something? But I could pick up any of that shit at F21. This should have been an easy win for Jackie. Not only did they expertly capture the sumptuous wardrobe of a universally famous fashion plate, but they also managed to preserve the condition of the costumes through the entire shoot despite Natalie's breathy-as-fuck portrayal of Jackie O. Page Six reports that Nat practically soaked every garment with each take. Here's actual footage from the movie before face-liquid was edited out in post:
Animated Feature Film
Kubo and the Two Strings, Moana, My Life as a Zucchini, The Red Turtle, Zootopia
Who will win: Zootopia
Who should win: Zootopia. Boring. NEXT!
Actress in a Supporting Role
Viola Davis (Fences), Naomie Harris (Moonlight), Nicole Kidman (Lion), Octavia Spencer (Hidden Figures), Michelle Williams (Manchester by the Sea)
Who will win: Viola Davis
Who should win: well, Julia tells me Viola Davis was great in Fences. And, while our girl Michelle Willies was great in Manchester, there's no denying that she was only in the movie for 3 scenes (though, of course, Viola did win for Doubt, and she was only in 28 seconds of that movie plus a DVD featurette about the making of those 28 seconds). I guess I'm ok with handing this one to Vi again but this is yet another wet performance. We in the biz call it a "Slip n' Slider." If you had to guess which part of Viola Davis' wet face this is, what would you guess:
Trick question! This is a still from behind Viola's kneecaps where all the wetness eventually pooled. I think after the CA drought, the Academy is too enamored with wetness. I long for the days of Mad Max Fury Road, when performances used to be dry.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali (Moonlight), Jeff Bridges (Hell or High Water), Lucas Hedges (Manchester by the Sea), Dev Patel (Lion), Michael Shannon (Nocturnal Animals)
Who will win: Mahershala Ali
Who should win: Jeff Bridges should win for the artistry that went into his website, http://www.jeffbridges.com/. I met someone who worked with him on this website and he clearly had no understanding of how content was synthesized through HTML. He apparently just drew the website on scrap paper and wanted an exact iteration of his chickenscratch in webform. The resulting tour de force looks a little something like this:
So while Mahershala turned in a great performance, I'm sorry but this is Jeff Bridges' website's year.
Actress in a Leading Role
Isabelle Huppert (Elle), Ruth Negga (Loving), Natalie Portman (Jackie), Emma Stone (La La Land), Meryl Streep (Florence Foster Jenkins)
Who will win: Emma Stone took the SAG train past BAFTA station and it's pulling up real fast into Oscartown.
Who should win: Isabelle Huppert obvi. I didn't even see Elle but her performance in it still changed my life. Huppert is, of course, the originator of the Huppert Technique which involves acting out a scene solely in between cigarette inhalations and then splicing the resulting footage together into a seamless whole. She's also the first actress to refuse to be filmed from the front, which she calls L'angle des plébéiens ("the angle of the Plebes").
Actor in a Leading Role
Casey Affleck (Manchester by the Sea), Andrew Garfield (Hacksaw Ridge), Ryan Gosling (La La Land), Viggo Mortensen (Captain Fantastic), Denzel Washington (Fences)
Who will win: This is the category that will keep us guessing, ladies and gents! We've got a real stumper here! Affleck was the clear favorite as awards season got going, though bedeviled with accusations that he basically can't stop sticking his dick into everybody's fucking business. Nevertheless, Affleck turned out an undeniably incredible performance. But Denzel took the SAG! And lemme tell you, in my house there was not a single ungasped lung. Everyone knows that the SAGs are the biggest predictor of Oscar gold but 538's number crunchers are saying this is Affleck's award nonetheless! I'm going to say Affleck but your guess is as good as mine. Could the two of them split the vote allowing for a Gosling win?! Crazier things have happened, Trolls and Trollettes!
Who should win: Through sheer force of will, Viggo Mortensen managed to look taller than the 5-year-old child standing next to his right and the eight-year-old to his left. But we all know that Viggo Mortensen is comically small at 3' 1". IMDB will have you know that he's 5' 11" but other sources say that's an abject lie and he's short as fuck!
Best Picture
Arrival, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, Hell or High Water, Hidden Figures, La La Land, Lion, Manchester by the Sea, Moonlight
Who will win: Sorry babes, but this is La La Land's year. Hollywood loves a technical feat mixed with a nod to old Hollywood, mixed with genre-bending, mixed with doe eyes. And were there better movies? Sure. But did La La Land also pull permits to shoot on an exit ramp connecting the 110 and 105 for two fucking days? Your answer below:
Who should win: Hear me out, babies. There was one movie this year that, while flawed in terms of character development and pacing, did something completely unprecedented when it comes to Hollywood movies. It was greenlit and given a massive budget despite having a script that completely subverted Hollywood norms: somehow studio execs OK'd a war movie where most everyone dies, the central mission was totally banal, and there was no love story or sexual tension or any romantic theatrics propelling the plot in any way shape or form. On top of that, this movie made an earth-shattering technological breakthrough that will forever change movies. That's right, I'm talking about Rogue One, my dears.
Rogue One literally brought Grand Moff Tarkin back to life: Peter Cushing fucking died in 1994. Like, can you fucking believe? Why isn't this ALL we were talking about this year? I'm sure that 2016 had other ~~newsworthy moments ~~ or whatever but this was the only change in our world that fell onto my radar!! So while you guys are all waxing poetic about the beauty of Moonlight's cinematography, the quiet tragedy of Manchester, the sizzling sexual tension between Stone and Gosling, the universally inspiring message of Hidden Figures, I'm going to be over here celebrating a movie that so went against the grain of every Hollywood blockbuster that preceded it while also literally bringing necromancy to the screen.
See you Sunday, babes! Let me know if you're coming so I know how much 'za to order!