Well, folks! It’s that time again!! The Oscars are upon us! And on a historic date, no less! March 2nd, as you probably know, is the 93rd anniversary of Finnish president P. E. Svinhufvud giving a radio speech that ended the Mäntsälä Rebellion. And what a rebellion it was! Had Svinhufvud not given this speech, we’d all be under Lapua Movement rule.
But that’s not to say what we’re living under right now is much better. Yeah, I know you’re groaning thinking “really? Do we have to get into politics right now? I go to the movies to escape.” I’m sorry but the topic is unavoidable. We’re living in unprecedented times of authoritarian rule. Our leader is dismantling Democratic institutions left and right and if we don’t shine a light on her corruption, there’s no telling how far she’ll go to upend our way of life while letting a proverbial man-child take the reins of power.
It starts with what seems like innocent, funny jokes about changing geographic names and we all laugh and think “this is a distraction-- she’s not serious.” But, people, wake up! She has the power to ultimately change the global order. I mean... look at this and tell me why I shouldn’t be afraid:
To me it’s a forgone conclusion what happens next here so let’s just get this category out of the way and try to focus on those categories which might be safe from her reign of terror:
Actor in a Leading Role
Adrien Brody - The Brutalist, Timothée Chalamet - A Complete Unknown, Colman Domingo - Sing Sing, Ralph Fiennes - Conclave, Sebastian Stan - The Apprentice
Who will win: If more of you had gotten off your asses and worked in the last election, maybe it would be anyone other than Timothée Chalamet. But instead you were making phone calls for Kamala Harris, as if she could stop this from happening.
Who should win: Everyone turned in an incredible performance this year! This is a super stacked category! But I think Sebastian Stan was next level. He was playing the most imitated man alive and managed to render a performance that didn’t feel like a caricature while still being wholly recognizable, lived-in, and believable. In this house, I’m living on Planet Stan!
Who got snubbed: I suppose if my criteria is based on people playing presidents, it would be unfair for me to not celebrate Dennis Quaid’s star turn in Reagan (a movie I’m sure we’ve all seen! Multiple times!). Below: Dennis Quaid seen enjoying a quiet moment on Air Force One after time alone with the THROAT GOAT herself:
Actress in a Leading Role
Cynthia Erivo - Wicked, Karla Sofía Gascón - Emilia Pérez, Mikey Madison - Anora, Demi Moore - The Substance, Fernanda Torres - I'm Still Here
Let’s just get this one out of the way too. Not since The Hindenburg Disaster have we seen this kind of implosion involving a person who loves Hitler.
One of the things I found most striking about Karla Sofía Gascón’s tweets was just how backwards her views were. I don’t just mean racist and abhorrent. I mean fully antiquated. Referencing the Moors’ arrival in Spain? Girl... it’s giving 711 CE!!
When I saw that tweet I was like maybe this is the only one that is so focused on historical events? But then I decided to dig further and I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks. Talk about living in the past:
Simply abhorrent! Good thing her campaign is is totally dead, as evidenced by Netflix’s full-throated, incredibly incendiary, brave, comprehensive, and powerful statement against Karla’s tweets:
Good on Netflix. I can’t think of something more potent than reevaluating the vetting process in regard to talent social media accounts!
Who will win: Demi Moore for her powerful turn as grotesque blob.
Who should win: I absolutely loved Mikey Madison but awarding this to a woman who looks like a younger, hotter version of Demi Moore would be too on the nose and Demi earned this fair and square.
Who got snubbed: There were plenty of incredible performances this year but I need to shout out someone who convincingly played a woman in the thrall of a grotesque, ghoulish creature-- obsessed with a man despite his clear and frightening defects.
No, I’m not talking about Lily Rose Depp opposite Bill Skarsgard in Nosferatu.
I’m of course talking about Lacey Chabert willing to risk it all for this (snow)man in Hot Frosty.
BRAVE!
Actor and Actress in a Supporting Role
Yura Borisov - Anora, Kieran Culkin - A Real Pain, Edward Norton - A Complete Unknown, Guy Pearce - The Brutalist, Jeremy Strong - The Apprentice
Monica Barbaro - A Complete Unknown, Ariana Grande - Wicked, Felicity Jones - The Brutalist, Isabella Rossellini - Conclave, Zoe Saldaña - Emilia Pérez
I’m combining these two categories because they both suffer from the same affliction. Something that I think is possibly the worst thing we face as a human race aside from 1. Global warming, 2. Infectious disease, 3. International war, and 4. Latvia’s sovereign debt.
I’m talking, of course, about CATEGORY FRAUD. The frontrunners in these races, Zoe Saldaña and Kieran Culkin, are both lead actors. Kieran had the bigger role in a clear two-hander and Zoe Saldaña was the clear protagonist of one of the worst abominations in film history.
We have to stop doing this as a country! This is why people don’t trust American institutions! This is why there is no real opposition to Club Chalamet’s growing power!
Now the one good thing about this is that there is an innate karmic retribution built into these wins. I can’t think of two people who will be more uneasy as they take the stage. Zoe is going to have to decry bigotry in all its forms for 98% percent of her speech and Kieran, already incredibly uncomfortable in his own skin, will struggle to even lift an award, given the many bracelets he has to wear under strict court order:
Still, it is my duty to call out corruption where I see it and this is one of the most blatant examples across society today.
Who should win: I absolutely loved Yura Borisov in Anora. He was the emotional heart of the movie and managed to telegraph so much through remarkably deft subtlety.
BUT! The Oscars is historically not about BEST acting. It’s about MOST acting and, well, I give you... exhibit A: Most Acting Ever
Above: Jeremy Strong preparing for his Dunkin Donuts commercial
As for the ladies, I feel like Ariana turned out a spectacular, no notes, performance. But this too is category fraud! She was equal parts lead as C*****a E***o. So I suppose this should go to Monica Barbaro for managing to eke out a few lines in a movie wherein James Mangold was dead set against letting the female characters speak.
Who got snubbed: If you’re thinking anyone other than this guy, I just have to ask:
Film Editing
Anora, The Brutalist, Conclave, Emilia Pérez, Wicked
Ok now is as good a time as any to get into the heart of this year’s awards show. The story which has been at the center of much of the season. Which is simply that Emilia Perez is the worst fucking movie of all fucking time. The filmic equivalent of an anaesthesia-free colposcopy. A horrific train wreck. Offensive to every demographic it does and doesn’t depict. And, worst of all, created a scenario in which we are forced to see Benny Blanco’s face on repeated red carpets.
It is undeserving of everything for which it was nominated but perhaps most of all, editing. Look at this actual screencap and tell me that there is any editorial skill involved here:
Not to mention this is entirely derivative. Where have I seen this before? Oh that’s right:
Garbage!
Who should win: I think all of these movies were bloated! I could have removed a full hour from The Brutalist! Jon Chu held too much space for the lyrics of defying gravity! I guess I’d give this to Conclave which somehow made the repeated process of vote counting feel riveting and unpredictable.
Who got snubbed: The editing in Challengers was groundbreaking. I mean look at this:
That said, there’s a clear explanation for this snub. And it’s that I petitioned the Oscars for Challengers to be removed from the editing shortlist when I realized that this was a direct ripoff of an editorial technique I’ve perfected over the last several years:
At first I thought maybe this was a fluke but then when I saw this:
I knew I recognized THIS shot from somewhere too:
Case closed. I’m sorry to say I was responsible for the full Challengers lockout.
Costume Design
A Complete Unknown, Conclave, Gladiator II, Nosferatu, Wicked
Who will and should win: I think this will be a well-deserved win for the candy-colored spectacle that was Wicked.
Who got snubbed: Who got snubbed? How is that even a question?
Obviously It Ends With Us had the most visionary costuming this year. The only thing these ensembles (which quite literally utilize every garment ever manufactured) are missing is a Dune popcorn bucket as a broach. The fact that this got snubbed is undoubtedly the biggest/only scandal surrounding this movie!
Music (Original Song)
"El Mal" (Emilia Pérez), "The Journey" (The Six Triple Eight), "Like A Bird" (Sing Sing), "Mi Camino" (Emilia Pérez), "Never Too Late" (Elton John: Never Too Late)
Who will win: Well, the good news here is that I think, if Dianne Warren were to lose her 16th nomination to a song that has the rather artless lyrics “from penis to vagina”, she’d implode in her seat at the ceremony. So I’m glad that particular song wasn’t nominated. For the record, that song was called Vaginoplasty. I just wanted you to know that so I’m not alone.
The bad news is that the song El Mal, from Emilia Perez, is likely to win this one. Curious as to its contents, I decided to translate a verse from its original Spanish. Now it’s important to note that Karla has a writing credit on this one and unfortunately I get the sense that some of her antiquated views make an appearance here too:
Poor Dianne Warren.
Who should win: I listened to five whole seconds of each of these songs and am here to report that “Like A Bird" (Sing Sing)” is a song that is vaguely listen-to-able.
Who got snubbed: Man, can you imagine being director M. Night Shaymalan and creating an entire movie basically just to showcase your daughter’s musical ambitions? Resulting in her creating an entire album of music for said movie? Only to get literally no recognition from any voting body, not even a Golden Raspberry nomination? Can you imagine?
Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
A Complete Unknown, Conclave, Emilia Pérez , Nickel Boys , Sing Sing
Who will win: Odds are with Conclave on this one. Hooray!
Who should win: I’m sorry! I didn’t see Nickel Boys! So I’m going with Conclave. A fun script! I support!
Who got snubbed: Only one movie this year can be identified for its breathtaking writing through a single screenshot. I predict if I show you this screenshot...
You’d be able to instantly report that this character is talking about a man who was in the Amazon with her mom when she (mom) was researching spiders right before she (mom) died. Right? Am I right? Disastrous snub for The Academy.
Also important to note that Madame Web had FOUR screenwriters and THREE story writers. The writers of the movie represent a not insignificant percentage of The Academy voting body itself! So it’s double shocking that this got snubbed.
Best Picture
Anora, The Brutalist, A Complete Unknown, Conclave, Dune: Part Two, Emilia Pérez, I'm Still Here, Nickel Boys, The Substance, Wicked
Ok skipping ahead because I know everyone has to rewatch Reagan.
Who will win: Up until last week it was anyone’s game! No clear frontrunner! In fact, the ceremony viewers were invited to travel to Vatican City to watch the Price Waterhouse Cooper accountants painstakingly count ballots until a consensus was reached.
But now, following the DGA and PGA awards, we have a clear frontrunner and it’s thankfully where we actually started the awards season: Cannes Palme d’Or winner Anora. I loved this movie. It could have shaved off 15 minutes from the middle and, in the immortal words of Adam Driver, I was always eager for the mise en scene to
BUT! I thought this movie was solid and wholly original and had an unbelievable ensemble.
Who should win: As I didn’t see Nickel Boys or I’m Still Here, I can only speak for the remaining movies but I think that Anora is a great choice.
Who got snubbed: I would have subbed Sing Sing for Emilia Perez and September 5 for The Brutalist. September 5 was largely absent from the awards conversation but it was one of my favorites of the year. And The Brutalist PISSED ME OFF SOMETHING FIERCE. It totally had me in the first half but then I spent the second 90 MINUTES of that movie like:
Couldn’t wait for it to end so I could go home and watch Reagan again!
Anyway... The Oscars!! March 2nd!! See you there! Hollywood’s biggest night!!