Hi Folks!
IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN! Yes, I’m talking about the point in time when we all start thinking about our Q1 tax payments! My very favorite time! All the hustle and bustle of New York residents calculating their MCT taxes, filing their UBT payments (shout out to all my “Unicorporateds” out there!)… I love the smell in the air of ST-809 forms being filed. Yes, late January/early February is unarguably the best time of the year. Most everyone will agree!
Even better… The Q1 Fiduciary Festival coincides with the 2020 Oscars! What a time to be alive! So which do I tackle first: Oscars content or my predictions for CT-223 audits?? How about we start with the Oscars and then get to accounting intrigue in a later email?
2019 was an EXCELLENT year for film. Really, the 1999 for the New Millennium! In honor of this fantastic showing, I’ve put together a multimedia package for you to enjoy in advance of the February 9th Oscars! So please sit back, relax, and enjoy!
COSTUME DESIGN
The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit, Joker, Little Women, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Who should win: Little Women did so much with its costumes, telegraphing the evolution and personalities of its characters, conveying nuances of class, and providing visual guideposts through the characters’ dizzying peregrination back and forth through time. So theoretically Little Women should win. But only one man had the courage, the vision, and the moxie to oversee this transformation:
Thus, my vote goes to costume designer Mark Bridges who fearlessly waded through countless Party Cities and Michaels in an effort to boldly marry polyester and fabric paint, thus creating a daring and iconic once-in-a-generation costume for Joker.
Who will win: I'm afraid that, as always, men get the short end of the stick. I predict this win will go to Jacqueline Durran for Little Women and men will face another millennium of oppression and injustice.
Who got snubbed: Mitchell Travers for Hustlers. Every outfit in that movie is iconic. When Ramona said "climb into my fur" the theater screamed.
FILM EDITING
Ford v Ferrari, The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit, Joker, Parasite
Who should win: Allow me to FREAK THE FUCK OUT FOR A SECOND. When I watched 1917 I felt, for the first time, I truly understood the senseless brutality of war: scenes of harrowing violence and the banal irrationality of largescale institutions. To be clear, I'm not talking about what I saw onscreen but rather THE CRUEL ACTIONS OF THE UNIVERSAL MARKETING DEPARTMENT which led audiences to believe that 1917 was somehow filmed in one take. Not knowing the truth, I sat with my mouth agape as scene after scene unfolded. "Roger Deakins, you silverfox, you've done it again! Brava!!" I cried at the screen.
Then, in a moment, everything changed. It was as if a grenade was haphazardly lobbed into my foxhole. Within seconds of my post-movie Google search, my face was ripped off, my limbs torn akimbo. Through my one remaining eye I read those distressing words: no scene in 1917 is longer than 9 minutes. To say I now understand trench warfare is an understatement. WHY WOULD UNIVERSAL PRETEND THAT THIS MOVIE IS ONE-SHOT AND THEN NOT ACTIVELY CAMPAIGN FOR A NOMINATION FOR EDITING, THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THIS FICTION INTACT?!? WHO HURT THE EXECUTIVE STAFF IN THE UNIVERSAL MARKETING DEPARTMENT? Can I option their story and make an even more trenchant depiction of the barbarism of conflict?
Anyway, I dunno who should win this category. I didn't see Ford v Ferrari but racing scenes seem hard to edit, what with all the axles?... and... wheels? Y'all, I don't know cars either.
Who will win: Oh hey, Ford v Ferrari is the predicted winner. Go team!
Who got snubbed: Marriage Story for leaving in that courtroom sneeze. Like Sam Mendes, Noah Baumbach wanted to make Marriage Story out to be one shot. This sneeze changed the whole course of production yet they left it in. Very brave.
VISUAL EFFECTS
Avengers Endgame, The Irishman, 1917, The Lion King, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Who should win: I dunno. Don't really care. One thing I think is funny is that people refer to The Lion King as a live action affair which... how many talking hyenas do you see around your neighborhood? I suppose give this to The Rise of Skywalker for the restraint the VFX department showed in not questioning the idea of horses in outer space:
Above: Space horsies giddy the fuck up
Who will win: I think this is a toss-up. Either Lion King for corralling all those animals at the craft services table or Avengers for expertly designing a seizure warning before the film began.
Who got snubbed: If Lion King is being celebrated for corralling all those animals, where’s the nomination for Detective Pikachu? Word on the street is that Pikachu had to be coaxed from his trailer after daily binge drinking. One producer said it was worse than working with Orson Welles.
Also, we’re supposed to lap up the special effects on The Irishman but forget that Gemini Man did it better and for more of the movie? I mean I didn’t see the movie but it was evident from the trailer alone... whatever, man.
MAKEUP AND HAIR
Bombshell, Joker, Judy, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil, 1917
Who should win: Bombshell's makeup was so astounding as to legitimately make me feel like I was watching Megyn Kelly and Bill O'Reilly on my screen. Part of this is attributable to the fact that I only have one good eye left after seeing 1917. But it's also attributable to the skills that the hair and makeup department evinced vis a vis the application of colored powders to face and the brushing/combing of hair hither and thither. During the screening I kept on looking to my left and right to be like "can you believe?!" but alas, no one was in the theater alongside me. They could have just named this movie Bomb.
That said, my vote goes to another movie. Consider the following:
Who should win: My vote goes to the people who had to deal with fucking nightmare human Joaquin Phoenix on Joker. I mean, stories about this guy being an asshole are abundant. Just check out the Google trendline for "Joaquin Phoenix asshole" in conjunction with Joker's release:
Give it to the people who had to deal with Joaquin Phoenix at 5am each morning.
Who will win: Bombshell
PRODUCTION DESIGN
The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit, 1917, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Parasite
Who should win: I don't really have anything critical to say about this category. It’s stacked as fuck. The production design on all of these was astounding. For Parasite not only did they build the house but they also built the neighborhood in which the protagonists live. That isn't some South Korean back street. They built the neighborhood! The Irishman involved 30 sets and 300 locations. Also consider the fact that Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was, like, 70% driving around from place to place in a perfect time capsule of late 60s LA. I mean, this montage alone is so incredible. So as to avoid shutting down traffic, they had to shoot one side of each boulevard at a time, returning months later to shoot the reverse angles. I still can't get over how immersive this movie is. I don't even have a favorite. I'm just so happy that finally after so many shitty film years, 2019 gave me so much to love.
Who will win: Right now 1917 is looking like a frontrunner. And I'm good with that if only because Francis is such an annoying asshole when it comes to this one thing. See, Francis likes to tell me, at least 6 times a week, that Gangs of New York got robbed of the Best Picture Oscar when it lost to Chicago in 2003. He never stops bitching about it. And when I say Gangs of New York isn't a particularly good movie he counters with "well it had the biggest set ever." I'm pretty sure that 1917 now holds that title and so I support whatever will shut this guy the fuck up.
Who got snubbed: No this is perfect. This is the most perfect category in Oscar's history. I've never agreed with the academy on anything before this moment. Mark the time.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Knives Out, Marriage Story, 1917, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Parasite
Who should win: Another stacked category! God, 2019 was a fantastic year for film! For me it’s a toss up between Marriage Story, which made me actively excited to get divorced, and Knives Out which was Rian Johnson’s effervescent return to form since writing the worst Star Wars movie since the prior and subsequent Star Wars movies! Remember the time Princess Leia was blown into space and then swam back? He. Wrote. That. So I’ll give this to Knives Out because Rian could really use the comeback.
Let me just add that Uncut Gems was snubbed. For one, it had the most “fucks” of all time. And, second, there is a screenplay on this list that simply shouldn’t be here. 1917's screenplay was GARBAGE. The first 20 minutes was lazy exposition against a backdrop of extras who I'm positive were just saying "peas and carrots peas and carrots" over and over again. My movie companion (shout out Parker!) likened it to the instructions Olmec dispenses at the beginning of the temple race in Legends of the Hidden Temple. And given all the stunt casting in that movie I wouldn't have been surprised if Olmec's stony ass face showed up for a scene:
Also the main character (below, left) has a line that’s like “you’ll recognize my brother... he looks just like me.” And it’s a pretty substantial plot point in the movie!
Sure, Jan. The guy on the right looks JUST like you.
REWRITE THE LINE!
Who will win: This one's gonna go to Once Upon a Time in Hollywood which is a-ok by me. Not only did Quentin Tarantino write a great screenplay but he also wrote all his own lines for his press tour: a fantastical account of how he's pretty much done with directing and is ready to fade away from the spotlight with dignity. LOLOLOL. Can you picture a room full of industry folks without Quentin Tarantino motormouthing and pulling focus? An incredible feat of imagination!
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit, Joker, Little Women, The Two Popes
Who should win: I'm going to assume that Joker was actually a fly-on-the-wall documentary of Joaquin Phoenix's slow descent into giddy madness after finally achieving the barrage of attention he so craved all these years. So I refuse to believe there was actually a screenplay involved. Then there's Two Popes which had a surprisingly compelling and buoyant screenplay. I especially liked this exchange:
A tour de force! Not since The Irishman have I seen such a show of vim and vitality from actors in their prime:
Above: Bobby DeNiro is supposed to be in his 30s in this scene.
Who should win: the true winner of this category is Little Women. I can't even begin to describe the sheer eleganza of that script. The jumps in time are such a true reflection of the way that we actually conjoin and retrieve memories of formative events. This movie grabbed my by the tastefully knit shawl and wouldn't let me go! And that ambiguous ending (without spoiling too much, think: this scene) was so layered and required such precise writing. Truly a perfect screenplay!
The only thing missing from the screenplay was a line like “mom, are we adopted?” or “mom, you look different as fuck from me and my sisters, what gives?” Because let’s be real... would Laura Dern and Bob Odinkirk create the March sisters as we see them on screen? I created some composite photos and the answer is decisively no:
Who will win: This category is a bit of a toss up. Right now The Irishman and Jojo Rabbit are possible contenders. But it looks like Little Women has a slight edge for the time being. WATCH THIS SPACE.
Who got snubbed: I liked the screenplay for Hustlers and The Farewell. I had fun! I smiled a lot! I felt things!
DIRECTOR
Martin Scorsese, “The Irishman”, Todd Phillips, “Joker”, Sam Mendes, “1917”, Quentin Tarantino, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, Bong Joon Ho, “Parasite”
Who should win: Parasite had tonal shifts, like, every 30 seconds, but remained a cohesive whole with great ensemble work. It's immensely hard to pull something like this off. Bong Joon Ho ought win this. And if Todd Phillips wins for Joker I'm going to jump out of my window. I know, I know... I threaten this every year. I'm the boy who cried window.
Who will win: After the DGA awards, I’m thinking it will be Sam Mendes which is a disappointment to me as someone who directed my first short film on Saturday and who thus knows everything there is to know about directing. I get that 1917 was a pain in the ass to make and that he probably had to shout a bunch. But this kind of feels like an award for assembling funding more than anything else. Plus now he has automatic funding for his next movie because he can just pawn his DGA gold plate thingy:
Who got snubbed: Greta Gerwig got snubbed indeed. That said... I do have ONE major critique of Little Women. I saw the film at a theater with the following seating chart:
Now you’d think that this seat wouldn’t be too far from the screen, right?
WRONG! I was like 65 feet from the screen! Because they were big recliney chairs. So my issue? The women were TOO little. Greta should have considered this issue when making her film.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates, “Richard Jewell”, Laura Dern, “Marriage Story”, Scarlett Johansson, “Jojo Rabbit”, Florence Pugh, “Little Women”, Margot Robbie, “Bombshell”
Who should win: In 1991, Jennifer Lynn Lopez began appearing as a Fly Girl on In Living Color. Little did she know that this would be the beginning of an illustrious career spanning over 30 years. The first woman to ever have a number one album and film in the same week and the first Latina actress to earn over $1 million for a film, Jennifer Lopez, née, J.Lo is one of the most successful entertainers of the last 100 years. Her films have cumulatively grossed over $3 billion and her album sales have surpassed 80 million worldwide. In 2012 she was ranked Forbes' most powerful celebrity in the world. Most importantly she was the star of Anaconda, a great film:
Above: a clip from Anaconda, the movie which single-handedly started the American conservation movement.
This was the biggest snub of the awards season. Some say that it was impossible for J.Lo to campaign for the Superbowl halftime show and the Oscars simultaneously which is why she was snubbed. As if Kathy Bates is out there going door-to-door all around Beverly Hills to ensure her own nomination. As if the frontrunner in this race isn’t someone who is wholesale reprising her role as Renata Klein from Big Little Lies. This whole category is absurd. The only nominations should be Florence Pugh for Little Women, Merritt Weaver for her line read of the word "pecan" in Marriage Story, and then J.Lo for Hustlers 3 times.
Who will win: Laura Dern. Next.
Who got snubbed: In 1991, Jennifer Lynn Lopez...
SUPPORTING ACTOR
Tom Hanks, “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”, Anthony Hopkins, “The Two Popes”, Al Pacino, “The Irishman”, Joe Pesci, “The Irishman”, Brad Pitt, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”
Who should win: I loved Pacino and Pesci! I know people say that Pacino was doing normal Pacino histrionics but I dunno. I thought both performances were relatively artful and restrained. But I am living for Brad Pitt's awards season. That golden hardbody deserves an Oscar and my only sadness is that I won't be personally delivering it to him.
Who will win: Brad Pitt. Which will somehow beget 15 more years of coverage about him missing Jen.
Who got snubbed: Not like it was gonna be nominated for anything but the best supporting actor this year was Jonathan Majors in The Last Black Man in San Francisco. Here he is, judging the academy voters:
LEAD ACTRESS
Cynthia Erivo, “Harriet”, Scarlett Johansson, “Marriage Story”, Saoirse Ronan, “Little Women”, Charlize Theron, “Bombshell”, Renee Zellweger, “Judy”
Who should win: My vote for this one is Scarlett Johansson because she convincingly got me to believe someone would divorce Adam Driver. I would never! Saoirse was also great just as she's always great. Love you gals! You keep me young!
Who will win: Renee. I guess I'll have to see this movie then. But a brief aside, if I may: I went to see the movie Cold Mountain for which Renee won an Oscar back in 2003. Actually I got dragged there with my grandfather. I really didn't wanna see it but it was a grampa movie for sure. And before the movie I remember a trailer came on for a great looking film. I think it was like Eternal Sunshine or something. And gramps, in this obnoxious way, made a big show of giving the great looking trailer a thumbs down. And I was so irritated and full of teen angst. And then, as Renee went through the awards circuit, I just kept remembering this theater obnoxion and getting irritated anew. And now Renee is doing it to me again. I just... I know she won't see it this way but it would be great for me if she would retire already so I can finally put this to bed.
Who got snubbed: I'm told Lupita Nyong'o got snubbed but I haven't seen Us and never will. I watched the trailer for Us and then that same night I had a nightmare that I watched Annihilation, another movie I had avoided based on scariness the trailer.
World War Z, another movie whose trailer gave me a nightmare.
LEAD ACTOR
Antonio Banderas, “Pain and Glory”, Leonardo DiCaprio, “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”, Adam Driver, “Marriage Story”, Joaquin Phoenix, “Joker”, Jonathan Pryce, “The Two Popes”
Who should win: People say “Joaquin Phoneix lost weight for the role!” Yeah yeah yeah. Well look at what divorce did to Adam Driver:
Who will win: Well we finally have an answer for how Joker got those scars. It’s from chewing scenery! The award is for best acting, not most acting. So many of the stories of his great acting are like “he hurt his knee in this scene! He was committed!” I promise you I could just as easily injure myself on set. Nevertheless, Joaquin Phoenix will win and the number of people buying “Joaquin Phoenix Asshole” merch will skyrocket and the economy will go through the roof and Trump will be re-elected. And all the people who write commentary about how Joker is about white male rage will flood the market with 5,000 more opinion pieces.
Who got snubbed: Adam Sandler. And Song Kang-Ho. And George Mackay. I guess I was never gonna be happy.
BEST PICTURE
Ford v Ferrari, The Irishman, Jojo Rabbit, Joker, Little Women, Marriage Story, 1917, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Parasite
Who should win: LOOK HOW FAR WE’VE COME, PEOPLE! Last year they nominated Bohemian Rhapsody! Green Book! BlacKkKlansman! The year before... The Shape of Water... Three Billboards... WE’VE COME SO FAR. I am so proud of each and every one of you for calling your representatives and demanding MORE! YOU did this!
All fine films (except I was so bored by Jojo Rabbit tbh and Joker was truly unpleasant to watch and there’s a reason people don’t really mine WWI for filmic stories) and yet one was a standout. And that’s Parasite. No other movie better conveyed how people get pushed to the edge when the WiFi is only accessible in the bathroom. No other movie better taught us morse code! Parasite is my choice, or as I should say:
.--. .- .-. .- ... .. - . / .. ... / -- -.-- / -.-. .... --- .. -.-. .
Who will win: After the SAGs, Parasite seemed better poised than ever to take this. The SAGs, afterall, represents the biggest branch of The Academy. However... those pesky DGA and PGA awards give me pause. Right now the odds are unclear, with many prognosticators suggesting a toss up between Parasite, 1917, and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I know you come to me for information as part of your high risk betting pools. So I’d suggest betting according to the table below, a la Uncut Gems, as these things are assured to happen. Don’t worry, I’ll translate for you:
The Oscars!
Red carpet begins at 7:00pm but you're free to come by anytime between now, January 30th and 12:00am February 10th!
Note that the winner of Oscars bingo will be the recipient of priceless memorabilia from the set! Make sure to fill in the freebie space on your bingo card for "Academy fucks up something totally basic before the show begins" based on this sentence from the official Oscars press release:
It will be a once-in-a-lifetime event slash an event that happens routinely every single year! You won't wanna miss it!