Alright, folks!! It's that time again!! The 445th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth I giving Johan Casimar £20,000 to aid the Dutch rebellion!!! I know all my fellow Dutchies are incredibly psyched for the annual re-enactment followed by our Anijsmelk toast on the woonboot as the sun sets over the Meuse! Let us thus make merry and clink our moks as we cheers: Mogen al je wensen uitkomen!!
Coincidentally, this date-- March 10th-- is also the date of The Oscars!! And boy was this an excellent year for film (een goed filmjaar)!! Without further ado, let's get into what we can expect on the 10th....
Best makeup and hairstyling
Golda, Maestro, Oppenheimer, Poor Things, Society of the Snow
Who will win: Maestro-- This is a controversial win and I gotta say I'm pretty irritated by the nature of this controversy. When Maestro came out, there was a whole maelstrom around Bradley's prosthetic nose. People called it a monstrosity. What kind of studio-- nay!--- what kind of God would allow for the laws of man to be so defiled in allowing such grotesque deformity onto our screens?
This particular controversy comes up a fair amount and I can't help but take slight offense when the atrocity in question is simply a filmic depiction of, well, the nose as plain as the nose on my face. When I see social commentary decrying the depiction of a semitic nose such as the one I possess, I can't help but rush to the defense of Maestro.
Who should win: Well, here's where the story is a bit more complicated. While I was poised to defend Maestro in full, midway through the film a scene caught my eye and I realized that my image and likeness had been used without my consent, without a licensing fee, nothing. And I understand that Maestro was committed to capturing the essence of Jewish noses, I didn't even get so much as a phone call before seeing this scene:
Thus, my vote goes to Golda. A movie that was brave enough to put the kind of a prosthetic Jewish nose on Helen Mirren's face which, for whatever reason, people accept and celebrate.
Who Got Snubbed: Not sure why we're not talking about the hair and makeup in Blackberry? Maybe it's one of those things where the result is so seamless and the actors so resemble their real life counterparts that voting members don't understand just how much work went into hair and makeup? I dunno, you judge for yourself:
Best cinematography
El Conde, Killers of the Flower Moon, Maestro, Oppenheimer, Poor Things
Who Should Win: Of Killers of the Flower Moon's 3 hour and 26 minute-long runtime, I could have done without about 3 and a half hours. I found this movie to be a joyless slog in which 8 full minutes were devoted to the foley sounds of a skull being crushed. That said, there's no denying its cinematography was compelling and really captured the full spectrum of frown-acting.
Who Will Win: Yes, it was a tad frenetic and I think most of the cinematography utilized iMovie plugins, but this one goes to Oppenheimer for this series of shots alone:
Who Got Snubbed: God, it's a shame that JLo's tour de force This Is Me... Now came out this year, well past the cut-off date for these Oscars. But one thing is for sure, if Oppenheimer wins for this:
Then I feel it only appropriate that next year Jennifer Lopez wins for this:
Best adapted screenplay
American Fiction, Barbie, Oppenheimer, Poor Things, The Zone of Interest
Who Will Win: American Fiction. Which is fine by me. Most of the movies this year experienced pretty severe "third act problems", meandering a bit too long and struggling to land the plane. American Fiction is the rare standout, which ended in a totally serviceable way at a totally serviceable clip.
Who Should Win: There's a lot of conversation about how this could be the makeup award for the ostensible Barbie snub that befell Margot Robbie. How perhaps Greta Gerwig should be rewarded for taking a relatively flat piece of IP and turning it into a rolicking 4-quadrant crowd-pleaser. But let's be real: we're all familiar with the story of Barbie from our youths. And yet this film cut all of the scenes we all know and love the very most:
No, I believe the real winner of this award should be Oppenhimer, which managed to fit every scene and every page from its source material, the 2005 biography American Prometheus, into the screenplay. In fact, some might say the script left literally nothing out from the book:
Who Got Snubbed: I actually think that writing a good adapted screenplay is often harder than an original screenplay. It is tough to breathe new life into something already out in the world, discover new contours, and give viewers a new way of thinking about both the subject matter and, really, the nature of art itself. One script in particular not only elevated its original source material in this way but also gave me a new way of understanding the interplay between citizen and state against the backdrop of international conflict.
Of course, I'm talking about Expen4bles, Don't believe me? Listen to the crowds! We 4-Heads are legion!
Best original screenplay
Anatomy of a Fall, The Holdovers, Maestro, May December, Past Lives
Who will win: Anatomy of a Fall appears to be the favorite for this.
Who should win: Anatomy of a Fall is an excellent choice. Tonally complex, layered, precise in its language. Single-handedly convinced me not to commit murder in France. And thankfully will beat out The Holdovers, a movie which made special pains to tell us that the film's protagonist smelled bad, had clammy hands, and was cross-eyed. Like literally this language appears in the film 5+ times. Glad I didn't watch this in 4DX.
Who got snubbed: Hmm... maybe Dream Scenario? Bad/nonexistent ending but otherwise inventive! And gave us the most memorable sex scene of the year!
Best Costume Design
Barbie, Killers of the Flower Moon, Napoleon, Oppenheimer, Poor Things
Who will win: Barbie
Who should win: Poor Things
Who got snubbed: I would be remiss if I didn't mention the WGA and SAG strikes. These had a massive impact on the entertainment industry at large and, specifically for these Oscars, materially changed the release schedule for a ton of films. Had this not happened, perhaps this would have been Dune's year for best picture. Or perhaps we'd see a number of additional acting contenders arising from Challengers. But I believe no movie would have taken home more gold-- especially in this category-- as I.S.S.
Beyond its immersive production design, which made you feel like you were actually on a soundstage in Atlanta, its costumes were impeccable for the (brave!) way they included the visual of the harnesses holding up the actors, thus giving everyone a (brave!) dumptruck ass and weird posture throughout the film (save for the leftmost person below who is obviously just standing on one foot).
We'll never know what this year would have been without the strikes, but I do think this was the most impactful casualty when it comes to these Oscars.
Best actor in a supporting role
Sterling K Brown – American Fiction, Robert De Niro – Killers of the Flower Moon, Robert Downey Jr – Oppenheimer, Ryan Gosling – Barbie, Mark Ruffalo – Poor Things
Who will win: Voters have decided this is Robert Downey Jr.'s year. Sure. Fine. Whatever.
Who should win: I can't stand the weird narrative that Ryan Gosling's nomination was somehow undeserved or, like, took up the rightful place of Margot Robbie (a woman, for what it's worth) when this man is routinely and criminally under-nominated just because he presumably fucked the wrong producer's wife somewhere along the way! This man should have won for Half Nelson and should have been nominated for Blue Valentine, The Nice Guys, Lars and the Real Girl, First Man, Blade Runner 2049, and The Mickey Mouse Club 1993-1994. He turned out the best performance in Barbie and I don't wanna hear anymore bitching about it!
Who got snubbed: Y'all. I say it all the time. We are in a Child Actoronaissance! Milo Machado Graner in Anatomy of a Fall was astounding. The best acting performance I saw this year, rivaled only by Messi, the dog also in Anatomy of a Fall. Fun real fact: Messi had auditioned for several projects before, but this was his film debut. And another real fact (seriously-- Messi had a profile in Variety) is that he hates the vacuum cleaner. The more you know!
Best actress in a leading role
Annette Bening – Nyad, Lily Gladstone – Killers of the Flower Moon, Sandra Hüller – Anatomy of a Fall, Carey Mulligan – Maestro, Emma Stone – Poor Things
Who will win: A monumentally stacked category. Lily Gladstone appears to have the momentum behind her on this one. Which is fine. Whatever.
Who should win: Don't get me wrong-- I think Lily Gladstone was probably the best part of this movie. But as someone who also lays in bed all day, it's hard for me to recognize the acting work that goes into that. I mean, it just comes so naturally to me. Whereas Emma Stone really showed some exceptional range as someone who is both in bed and out of bed.
Who got snubbed: Let's just state the obvious here. Only one performance managed to imbue humanity into what could have otherwise been a one-dimensional depiction of a doll. And no wonder this exclusion set Twitter aflame-- I fully understand why people are up in arms!! To take a performance which could have fallen flat or entirely relied on external beauty and turn it into something subtle and haunting, is no easy feat. Not to mention, this was a triple threat performance filled with singing, dancing, acting...
Of course, the unfortunate snub I'm talking about is M3GAN.
I fucking see you, Academy.
Ok skipping on ahead, let's just get to Best Picture. Cuz, really, this was such a good year for movies. And there's so little to hate and it has been pretty boring tbh. There has been basically no awards-season controversy whatsoever. Which, by the way, has made writing this email SO hard this year. But I do it because I know for a fact at least one of you reads this email.
Best picture
American Fiction, Anatomy of a Fall, Barbie, The Holdovers, Killers of the Flower Moon, Maestro, Oppenheimer, Past Lives, Poor Things, The Zone of Interest
Who will win: Guys, let's reiterate this was a really really strong year. Yes, there were movies I didn't really care for: Past Lives-- I felt the characters were underwritten and the seat back in front of me kept reclining throughout; The Holdovers-- pretty much was irritated every moment Da’Vine Joy Randolph's character wasn't on screen; Killers of the Flower Moon-- overlong and I ordered the beyond burger when I should have gotten a flatbread.
But even among these movies I didn't care for, I didn't think they were particularly bad! This never happens!! So, really, I wouldn't be all that mad at a win for any of these.
But here's also the thing... I thought Oppenheimer, which will win, was pretty neat. The first and last 30 minutes were unnecessary, but the middle part was pretty electric! But Christopher Nolan is in the trifecta of my arch nemeses (Anthony Bourdain, Jeremy Renner-- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID). So, while I'm ok with an Oppenheimer win, I think it's important that I make explicit that the creator of Inception, and Tenet, and Memento is my mortal enemy and that's just the way it is.
Who should win: I'm going to say something I realize is unpopular. I know that I'm alone in this. But I won't be ashamed.
I LOVED MAESTRO. I LOVED IT AND FELT IT WAS PERFECTION AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE BEING FUCKING BUTTHURT ABOUT IT BEING ABOUT HIS MARRIAGE? OR, LIKE, BEING MAD AT BRADLEY COOPER FOR TURNING OUT A GOOD PERFORMANCE WHICH PEOPLE MALIGN AS BEING "OSCARS BAIT," I GUESS CUZ IT'S LIVED-IN AND GOOD? AND, LIKE, CAREY MULLIGAN WAS INCREDIBLE? AND, ALSO, LIKE THE CINEMATOGRAPHY WAS AMAZING BUT NO ONE SAW IT IN THEATERS? SO I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THIS AS I FELT ABOUT WEST SIDE STORY? LIKE, ENTIRELY GASLIT BY A NATION? LIKE... I LOVED THE DIRECTION OF THIS MOVIE AS WELL? AND ALSO I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT BRADLEY COOPER DIDN'T GET A DIRECTING NOMINATION AND THAT BEST DIRECTOR IS GONNA GO TO MY ARCH NEMESIS, CHRISTOPHER NOLAN?
Anyway, here is my ranking for the year:
Maestro
Anatomy of a Fall
Poor Things
Oppenheimer
American Fiction
Barbie
The Zone of Interest-- a movie I haven't seen but I assume this is about right
Past Lives
Killers of the Flower Moon
The Holdovers
Who got snubbed: Y'all, while I realize this technically didn't come out this year, I finally saw Twister last night. Can you believe I hadn't seen Twister? You guys, that movie truly fucks. Like, the practical effects hold up. It looks phenomenal. And, I gotta say Helen Hunt is such a gem. I just absolutely loved it.
Anyway, it's fucked up that the Academy didn't nominate 1996's Twister this year. IT'S GOT ME HEATED! I'M SO MAD! There’s really only one thing that captures the anger I’m feeling right now!!
Anyway, that's all I got.
Join me for THE OSCARS!!! HOLLYWOOD'S BIGGEST NIGHT!!
MARCH 10TH, 7:00PM-- NOTE THAT IT IS AN HOUR EARLIER THIS YEAR!!