Alright folks,
It’s that time again! The “Superbowl” of entertainment. The “Arbor Day” of trees. The “tax day” of The House Committee on Ways and Means... The Oscars!!
And, yet, despite this being the biggest night of the year, I find myself listless, uninspired. I’m trying to think of clever things to say about this year’s totally boring crop of movies but, in the words of Avatar 2: Water Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink...
Let’s just get into it and see if there’s ultimately anything to be said.
But first... there’s obviously a pretty big elephant in the room and I kinda wanna just get it out of the way, you know? I’m sick of the tension of not simply acknowledging what happened last year and how it has impacted Hollywood and society more broadly. And besides, I want this to be a safe space for learning, processing, and healing. So let’s just talk about what happened!!...
Jeremy Renner ran hisself over with an industrial snow plow. Vroom vroomed all over hisself. And it nearly derailed his forthcoming Disney+ show, Rennervations, in which he “travels the globe to reimagine purpose-built vehicles.”
Now, you may know that Jeremy Renner is my arch nemesis. I say it all the time. But, in hearing about his 30 broken bones, even this Renner-hater had to admit: shit sucks. I’m not sure that I could have handled such a traumatic run in with a “PistenBully 600 Snow Groomer.” In the words of Avatar 2: Gary, Did You Leave The Faucet Running?!:
Anyway, I’m so glad we cleared the air and simply addressed this Renner snow debacle so we can talk about the Oscars which, fun fact, is the same award show where Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the face in 2022. But this being 2023 means it’s time to look forward... so let’s continue.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
All Quiet on the Western Front, The Batman, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Elvis, The Whale
Who should win: It’s hard for me not to notice that among these nominations are four different fatsuits deployed across three movies:
Yet when I googled Oscar nominations for the vanguard film which basically invented the form, Shallow Hal, the only nods I saw were for best original screenplay, best director, best production design, and best editing. What gives?! Pretty sure Shallow Hal walked so these films could run and it feels pretty unfair to honor them in light of this oversight. For that, my vote goes to Wakanda Forever:
Pictured above: Letitia Wright fighting a doctor approaching with a Covid vaccine.
Who will win: The academy is sure to go for the movie which stacked TWO fatsuits so unfortunately this one is going to Elvis.
Who got snubbed: Oh so we’re just gonna pretend that it’s ok that Morbius got totally shut out of the Oscars this year? I happen to have a photo of me reacting to that news:
Best Visual Effects
Avatar 2: Honey I Drenched The Kids, All Quiet on the Western Front, The Batman, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Top Gun: Maverick
Who will win: In consideration of the fact that Avatar 2: Liquid Dreams by O-Town made huge strides in variable framerate, digital detail saturation, and judder through the use of its proprietary TrueCut Motion software, this is a lock for the film. I mean, there’s no denying how seamless the scenes featuring live action people alongside CGI Na’vi appear. Just take a look for yourself:
Who should win: Groundbreaking technological advances the likes of which have never before been seen in cinema are great and all, but there’s only one movie whose visuals truly blew me away:
Who got snubbed: WHO GOT SNUBBED? WHO GOT SNUBBED YOU ASK???
BRUH... WE ALL KNOW WHO GOT SNUBBED. I HOPE YOU’RE STRAPPED THE FUCK IN. MOONFALL WAS THE ONLY MOVIE RELEASED THIS YEAR TO FEATURE A MOON FALLING INTO EARTH.
My world was absolutely ROCKED while watching this (scientifically sound, impeccably researched) documentary about the time that the moon, like a PistenBully 600 Snow Groomer, plowed straight into the earth!!!!! I mean, look at how violently shaken I was while watching this film:
Above: me at 2 minutes, 4 minutes, and 13 minutes into Moonfall.
Best Original Screenplay
The Banshees of Inisherin, Everything Everywhere All at Once, The Fabelmans, Tár, Triangle of Sadness
Who will win: Y’all, let’s just get this out of the way: The Fabelmans was my least favorite movie of this or any year. Saccharine, low stakes, dull. Created the false narrative that Spielberg had a girlfriend in high school... It was this year’s Belfast. And frankly, I think it relied on pretty tired caricatures of Jews. I mean, look at this excerpt:
It is a good thing then that the Fabelmans has no real shot at winning this and that was me just taking a lengthy aside to describe my hatred of this movie. This one is likely to go to Everything Everywhere All At Once, though Banshees of Inisherin is also in contention, both of which would be fine by me.
Who should win: Though I give credit to Martin McDonagh for his return to form after the dismal, offensive Three Billboards, there was no more inventive movie this year than EEAAO.
Who got snubbed: Allow me to share the opening monologue for Avatar 2: Gary, Did You Even Think To Call The Plumber? Jesus Christ This Is Gonna Cost A Fortune to Fix:
Best Cinematography
All Quiet on the Western Front, Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths, Elvis, Empire of Light, Tár,
Who will win: This one could go to All Quiet On The Western Front which managed, cinematographically and in every other respect, to basically be the exact same war movie I’ve seen like a dozen times in the last decade. Seriously, why do we keep doing this? Doesn’t anyone wanna make a movie about, I dunno, the far deadlier Taiping Rebellion? I would gladly spend a year in a trench dodging bayonets and mustard gas and nursing my infected wounds while knee deep in muddy water if it would prevent another studio from greenlighting this type of movie. I have it on in the background as I’m typing this email and literally, while writing this paragraph alone, I watched a man get run over by a tank, a man die engulfed in flames, and a man slowly asphyxiate in a puddle. What grimy, gratuitous torture porn. I wish they had accidentally left the lens caps on.
Anyway, it could go to All Quiet On The Western Front but I think it’s just as likely to go to Elvis.
Who should win: There’s no denying that Elvis did something... unique. I applied its same cinematographic principles to a tour of my apartment and I think the result is pretty gorgeous:
Who got snubbed: Somehow ignored among these films was a way better war epic. Both timely and timeless, it retains the power of its classic source material by focusing on the futility of war. Strikingly well shot with attention to both the enormous scale of war and the intimate details of those caught in the maw of the battlefield, this film is gripping from start to finish. I know timing is everything but frankly, I’m still shocked that the Academy voters forgot about it (Sonic The Hedgehog 2):
Best Supporting Actress
Angela Bassett (“Black Panther: Wakanda Forever”) , Hong Chau (“The Whale”) , Kerry Condon (“The Banshees of Inisherin”) , Jamie Lee Curtis (“Everything Everywhere All at Once”) , Stephanie Hsu (“Everything Everywhere All at Once”)
Who will win: We have a three-way tossup between Angela, Jamie, and Kerry. This one’s anyone’s guess, with slight momentum in Angela’s favor.
Who should win: I think Stephanie Hsu frankly blows everyone else out of the water in this category. I’m shocked there has been so little love for her this awards season.
Who got snubbed: I know that this movie was critically panned but that doesn’t undo the fact that Taylor Swift trained for 14 months in order to withstand the weight of a car rolling over her body for Amsterdam.
Best Supporting Actor
Brendan Gleeson (“The Banshees of Inisherin”) , Brian Tyree Henry (“Causeway”) , Judd Hirsch (“The Fabelmans”), Barry Keoghan (“The Banshees of Inisherin”) , Ke Huy Quan (“Everything Everywhere All at Once”)
Who will win: This is a lock for Ke Huy Quan which is great and all but we’re not here to talk about that! We’re here to talk about the fact that I was THE person, among seven billion, who watched Causeway. When it came out! Like, right when it came out. I watched Causeway. You guys, aren’t you curious to understand how I tick? What would drive someone to do something so outlandish?
Who should win: Ke Huy Quan 1000%. What a special awards season story! We love to see it!
Who got snubbed: How many awards does Tom Hanks deserve for his searing portrayal of a man torn asunder by his love of slot machines and ferris wheels?
But there’s an even bigger snub afoot. There was one film this year which saved the movie theater industry, and one actor in that film who carried the entire weight of the movie on his mustache:
Of all the landing strips in Top Gun Maverick, Miles Teller's was the one that mattered most.
Best Lead Actress
Cate Blanchett (“Tár”) , Ana de Armas (“Blonde”) , Andrea Riseborough (“To Leslie”), Michelle Williams (“The Fabelmans”) , Michelle Yeoh (“Everything Everywhere All at Once”)
Who will win: This is a tense one! Will it be Michelle for her heartfelt portrayal of a woman undergoing the harrowing terror of a tax audit? Or will it go to Cate for her lucid performance as a woman struggling to determine the companion piece for Mahler’s 5th symphony? I think the momentum is with Michelle for this one.
Who should win: MICHELLE YEOH!!
Who got snubbed?: Ok so this is where I address the Andrea Riseborough controversy. Is this maneuver a refreshing subversion of stultifying institutional orthodoxy? Or is this a cheap tactic among industry power players to steal nominations for their friends?
These are not the questions we should actually be asking ourselves. The correct question is: are these actors personally forced to totally fuckin embarrass themselves in pursuit of a nomination? Are they still awkwardly stuck in an Elvis accent a full two years after production wrapped? Are they, like Melissa Leo circa 2011, buying their own For Your Consideration ads and offering to detail the cars of every academy voter?
The rule is this: if you are personally embarrassing yourself, personally performing a humiliating song and dance in front of all your industry peers, personally bringing shame upon your ancestors, then your tactics are fair and just. But if this campaign is happening by proxy, that is something I can’t countenance! Not to mention, Andrea’s inclusion shut out the actual lead performance of the year...
Who got snubbed: Florence Pugh for Don’t Worry Darling Cannes Premiere and Related Press Tour. THIS, my friends, was the performance of the year. Miss Flo showed the range! Like when Olivia Wilde tried to save face by saying that Flo’s schedule precluded her participation in a press junket and Flo was basically next door just walking around like
Or when the stories coming out of Cannes were reaching a fever pitch as the clock counted down to the premiere and Flo just showed up unbothered like:
Hard to think of a more exceptional lead performance last year.
Best Lead Actor
Austin Butler (“Elvis”) , Colin Farrell (“The Banshees of Inisherin”) , Brendan Fraser (“The Whale”) , Paul Mescal (“Aftersun”) , Bill Nighy (“Living”)
Who will win: I really don’t know at this point! It was looking like the wind was totally blowing in Austin’s direction but Brendan is coming up from behind! And I imagine there are voters who want to give him a makeup award on account of his snub for The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. That said, my final prediction is for Austin Butler.
Who should win: For me the standout performance was Colin Farrell!!
Who was snubbed: It’s disappointing to not see any recognition for The Enemy, the nameless, faceless, probably Iranian adversary in Top Gun Maverick. This was a subtle portrayal which smartly utilized the negative space around the performance to provide dimension to the character-- a really brave thing to do these days when the pressure is on for actors to be showy and explicitly name their nationalities. Still, despite this snub, it’s nevertheless nice to see international representation --in this case of Iranians or possibly Russians-- in American cinema.
Best Picture
Avatar 2: We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat, All Quiet on the Western Front, The Banshees of Inisherin, Elvis, Everything Everywhere All at Once, The Fabelmans, Tár, Top Gun: Maverick, Triangle of Sadness, Women Talking
Who will win: It looks like this is going to Everything Everywhere All At Once with the only potential spoilers being All Quiet on the Western Front, The Banshees of Inisherin, or Top Gun. I will step on a landmine if All Quiet wins this thing. But I will accept it if the other two win. I thought Banshees was really beautiful and Top Gun literally saved the movie theater industry. Not to mention the amazing attention it brought to the UNPARALLELED MIGHT OF THE AMERICAN MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX!!!! THESE COLORS DON’T FUCKING RUN!! USA!! USA!! USA!!
Thank God we’re finally telling the story of the American military in film.
Who should win: Gotta wrap up this thing so I’m just gonna put the movies in order of best to worst, excluding Triangle of Sadness which I didn’t see:
Everything Everywhere All At Once (a little overlong but totally original and full of heart!)
Banshees of Inisherin
Top Gun (YEAH YOU FUCKIN HEARD ME WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT)
Tar
Women Talking
Elvis (a movie which, to be clear, I hated)
Avatar 2: Cleanup on Aisle 4
All Quiet on the Western Front
The Fabelmans (Spielberg’s descent from making my favorite movie of 2021 to my least favorite movie of 2022. How about that?)
Who got snubbed: Well my favorite movie of 2022 was Marcel the Shell with Shoes On!!! Oh boy, I just loved that talking shell and all of his friends! I loved his grandma and all the activities around the house!
But the actual snub here is RRR. Because, frankly, there aren’t a ton of movies about male friendship! And I really think that if Speilberg, Baz Luhrmann, Edward Berger, and James Cameron had better friends around them, they wouldn't have made The Fabelmans, Elvis, All Quiet On The Western Front, and Avatar 2: I Blue Myself. And then maybe I'd have better things to say about 2022's year of film. But instead I just feel like it was a pretty mediocre, dreary, uninspired year which is why it took me until the night before to even write this thing. And why you might feel, having read this, the way I felt after watching these movies: I wish I could get that time back.
Anyway, THE OSCARS! TOMORROW!! HOLLYWOOD'S BIGGEST NIGHT!!!
Hope to see you there!!