Ladies and gentlemen it’s that time of year again! Hollywood’s biggest night. No, I’m not talking about Ari Emanuel’s son’s Bar Mitzvah, though that’s a close second. I’m talking about the Academy Awards!
February 24th, 7:30pm
Please watch the party trailer!
Right off the bat, I gotta address the myriad misfortunes that have plagued this year’s Oscars. First of all is the fact that some intellectual property obsessives out there (not naming names) have positively cockblocked my access to screeners. Not only are these precious Infinity Stones impossible to come by but it appears that SOMEHOW Optimum cable can see me downloading in real time! How do I know this? Well they sent me a rather rudely worded letter that very much included the word “cockblock” and said they’d throttle my internet if they saw me downloading movies one more time. The straw that broke the camel’s back? This is true: Ralph Breaks the Internet. I guess I shoulda known.
I’m not the only one with a curse upon my house. The Academy is having a positively excruciating year, y’all. First is the fact that the Oscars finds itself hostless after Kevin-Hart-Gate. How did the Oscars fare the last time they were hostless? See for yourself:
This is actually one of many Oscars embarrassments leading up to this year’s show including:
Lady Gaga’s public feud with the Oscars after they announced they only wanted to feature two original songs in the telecast, thus basically pre-announcing the winner in her favor.
The disastrous idea of a Best Popular Movie award, as if ET and Jurassic Park and Beauty and the Beast and countless other Blockbusters haven’t proven themselves worthy among arthouse fare.
The decision to reverse the long-held tradition of having the previous best acting winners present best acting awards for this year’s honorees. Said Allison Janney in a now-deleted tweet, “It Breaks My Heart.” The Academy later decided in turn to restore the tradition but it nevertheless broke Allison Janney’s heart for fucks sake. I could see that kind of treatment from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association but the Academy?!
The Academy’s initial decision to present the cinematography, film-editing, live action short, and makeup awards during the commercial break, which they only walked back after vociferous shaming from among directors and other famouses. And then they pretended that they were never going to give these out during the commercial break but that they were simply going to edit the winners’ long march to the podium. These fuckers are Olympic-level gaslighters! But, like, we fucking see you, Disney/ABC. We see you trying to cut the only categories for which Disney films weren't nominated. And we see you saying that this is part of a new tradition of rotating categories that will get the editorial shaft but it just so happens that the first ones being knocked this time don’t help ABC’s bottom line. Jesus what a trainwreck. And I’m so here for it.
We are in YEAR FIVE of the Academy failing to give an award to the scene that most defined cinema. That’s right: I’m STILL mad about the Academy failing to award 2014’s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ fight scene between Koba and Caesar on the top of a skyscraper. Oh, what? You thought I forgot? You thought I, like John Lithgow’s character in 2011’s Rise of the Planet of the Apes, am plagued by memory loss and can’t hold onto details about the most earth-shattering scene in cinematic history? You’re wrong and the Academy’s wrong. Also, I should take this moment to address a burning question that seems to plague the internet:
Fucking duh Koba is a Bonobo.
In short, this year bout to be a Goddamn mess. And on top of everything else, it’s anyone’s game! No clear frontrunners! So with that, let’s turn our attention to the predictions:
Costume Design
“The Ballad of Buster Scruggs,” Mary Zophres, “Black Panther,” Ruth E. Carter, “The Favourite,” Sandy Powell, “Mary Poppins Returns,” Sandy Powell, “Mary Queen of Scots,” Alexandra Byrne
Who should win: Traditionally, the Academy LOVES a good corset, hunty. And this year we have two floofy British options: Mary Queen of Scots and The Favourite. Now, if I were to choose between the two, I’d have to go with The Favourite for unleashing a face mask that is sure to have all the Queen Annes positively gagging at their next bodice ripper. Not since The Babadook has there been such a compelling gay style icon:
Buuutttt, I gotta give this to Black Panther, not only for scoring a perfect 10 in the category of PanAfrican Realness but also for introducing this lewk to my psychosexual dreamscape:
Who will win: Black Panther. Ruth Carter is a legend with 63 CREDITS TO HER NAME. Great costumes, totally deserved.
Film Editing
“BlacKkKlansman,” Barry Alexander Brown, “Bohemian Rhapsody,” John Ottman, “Green Book,” Patrick J. Don Vito, “The Favourite,” Yorgos Mavropsaridis, “Vice,” Hank Corwin
Who should win: I often talk about how the concept of fucking the wrong producer’s wife impacts Oscar’s nominations. As in: it seems that Ryan Gosling obviously fucked the wrong producer’s wife and will never get another nomination for the rest of his career. I’m discovering the inverse may be true: that John Ottoman maybe fucked the right producer’s wife (or just the right producer?) landing him a nod for Bohemian Rhapsody. Please orient yourself by watching an actual clip of BoRhap’s “editing”:
Sorry, embedded the wrong clip. This is ACTUALLY a scene from Bohemian Rhapsody wherein at almost no point is the person speaking visible. Want another taste? Another? I kinda wanna grade this guy on a curve because there are so many hints that he was handed a pile of garbage, beyond his control:
Exhibit A: Fucking dumpster fire establishing shot. Midwest USA? The fuck?
But then I think about how Ottoman actively diminished the already miniscule driblet of sizzle powering this movie. Like, didya know that Rami Malek’s final scene was an exquisitely-timed, step-by-step recreation of Freddie Mercury’s actual choreography at Live Aid? No. Because the editor included endless shots of Freddie’s friends waiting in the wings, passively watching the event. I want to say we had to watch them standing there motionless 8 times. It fucked up every single thing about the climax of the movie.
Anyway back to the point: who should win? I argue nobody. All of these movies were between 2 hours and 2 hours and 16 minutes. And all of them felt interminable. Even The Favourite which was a whole lotta fun and had some interesting editorial choices but Jesus I had to watch a gout-stricken woman get Jilled Off in real time!
Who will win: All signs point to... Bohemian Rhapsody. Will there be rioting in the streets? Probably. I recommend bringing a bat with you for the journey home from the Oscars party.
Sound Editing
“Black Panther,” , “Bohemian Rhapsody,” , “First Man,” , “A Quiet Place,” “Roma,”
Sound Mixing
“Black Panther”, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “First Man”, “Roma”, “A Star Is Born
Production Design
“Black Panther,” Hannah Beachler, “First Man,” Nathan Crowley, Kathy Lucas, “The Favourite,” Fiona Crombie, Alice Felton, “Mary Poppins Returns,” John Myhre, Gordon Sim, “Roma,” Eugenio Caballero, Bárbara Enrı́quez
Who should win: Give these all to First Man. I thought that movie was criminally underrated. And I think it was robbed of an original score and cinematography nomination to boot. The most heartpounding, exquisite poem of a space movie of all time. And I’ve seen Space Cowboys.
Let’s first talk sound: like, watch this scene and tell me that you’re not transported to a tin can in space caught in a leftward bank, the centrifugal force pinning you down, atop Ryan Gosling’s body, heavily breathing as your limbs intertwine. Tell me the heat from your bodies, locked in a carnal dance, isn’t burning hotter than the sun.
I’m inclined to give production design to First Man too. From the claustrophobia-inducing spaceships, to that awe-inspiring moon walk. Fuck I loved how this movie looked. Now I know what you’re thinking: Black Panther was a visual feast. But I argue... would not there be sidewalks in Wakanda? Would not there be sidewalks? Here's a cursory survey of African sidewalks:
But in Wakanda?
I rest my case.
Original Screenplay
“The Favourite,” Deborah Davis, Tony McNamara, “First Reformed,” Paul Schrader, “Green Book,” Nick Vallelonga, Brian Currie, Peter Farrelly, “Roma,” Alfonso Cuarón, “Vice,” Adam McKay
What should win: Ugh what a boring year for cinema. Most everything on the list is garbage trash shit, the sole exception being The Favourite which pretty fun and had a lot of the things that go into a good screenplay. Let’s delve into some of the garbage trash shit though.
Ughhh Green Book. From Viggo Mortensen’s casual use of the N-word in front of an audience of aghast movie-goers, to Don Shirley’s family calling the movie a “symphony of lies”... Who was Green Book for? No one. This movie should have never been made. And it certainly shouldn’t be nominated for a thing.
Onto First Reformed: is this movie a quiet meditation on a man’s crisis of faith against the backdrop of climate change from the acclaimed writer of Taxi Driver? Or is it a movie in which a woman who is like 8 months pregnant lies belly-down atop a pastor by choice? That laydown sitch is all I can think of when I think of the screenplay. Here’s a photo of me confronting Paul Schrader for that choice:
Roma... had a screenplay? Roma had words? Roma wasn’t just a collection of a totally passive protagonist’s vacant stares punctuated by scenes of people trying to fit a big car into a little garage? If anything, give this award to the critics that worked themselves up into a masturbatory frenzy over Roma. I'd argue their adulation was more passion-filled than any page of the Roma script. Loved those garage parking scenes though.
Who will win: Green Book is going to win. And presumably Nick Vallelonga’s acceptance speech will include some conspiracy theories about Muslims cheering post-9/11. Jesus Christ fuck this movie.
Supporting Actor
Mahershala Ali, “Green Book”, Adam Driver, “BlacKkKlansman”, Sam Elliott, “A Star Is Born”, Richard E. Grant, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”, Sam Rockwell, “Vice”
Who should win: This one’s easy. The award should go to Sam Elliott for his performance in the Oscars Nomination Luncheon Photo Shoot:
Who will win: Mahershala Ali. Poor baby had to be in Green Book in order to get his second Oscar. Give it to him. He suffered. Look at him suffering:
Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, “Vice”, Marina de Tavira, “Roma”, Regina King, “If Beale Street Could Talk”, Emma Stone, “The Favourite”, Rachel Weisz, “The Favourite”
Who should win: Regina King should win for her lovely performance in Beale Street.
But I have to also address something nagging at me: I once heard a rumor that Rachel Weisz is a disoriented mess on set. A total dummy. A Jeremy Renner, if you will. But then I mentioned that rumor to someone who countered and said that she heard that Rachel Weisz is a total joy on set! A true professional!
Bbbuuuttt.... I just can’t get that first image of Rachel Weisz out of my head. And so, while it’s clear she’s a fantastic actress, I just get excited whenever it’s clear she memorized her lines. So while this is Regina King’s to lose, and while Rachel’s nomination is a case of category fraud (as in: she was a lead but they thought she’d have a better chance if they ran her as supporting), I do hope the Academy gives a special award to Rachel Weisz alongside Koba and Caesar. All three memorized their lines. All three should be commended.
Who will win: Regina King. Brava, Regina!
Lead Actor
Christian Bale, “Vice”, Bradley Cooper, “A Star Is Born”, Willem Dafoe, “At Eternity’s Gate”, Rami Malek, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, Viggo Mortensen, “Green Book”
Who should win: Honestly? Bradley Cooper was wonderful. Heartbreaking. Ugh. You guys should know something about me if you don’t already: my heart is SO hurt by any depiction of a vision problem/hearing problem/speech impediment. Honestly, the more banal the affliction the more I FUCKING DIE. The King’s Speech had me in the fetal position. And Jackson Maine’s tinnitus? Like that hurt more than the drinking problem TBH. That hurt real bad. Give the award to Jackson Maine. And Bradley Cooper by extension, I suppose.
Also, Public Service Announcement: it shouldn’t be news at this point that Christian Bale gained or lost weight for a role. Call me when news comes in that he was, like, gracious to cast and crew. The tinnitus-like ringing in my ears upon hearing that news will send me back to the fetal position.
Who will win: Rami Malek. And he did a wonderful job playing a Geico Caveman forced to interact with Bryan Singer. That’s a challenge on two fronts. Are you seeing this Cavewerk?
Also give this award to the BBC for this bitchy lil headline: “BAFTA: Queen Director Singer suspended from nomination.”... Queen Director? Me-ow. Remind me not to sexually assault anyone in BBC’s line of sight.
Lead Actress
Yalitza Aparicio, “Roma”, Glenn Close, “The Wife”, Olivia Colman, “The Favourite”, Lady Gaga, “A Star Is Born”, Melissa McCarthy, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”
Who should win: Olivia Colman! She killed it dead. And honestly, her role required more than any of her fellow nominees. Yalitza Aparicio did a wonderful job but alas she only spoke for 45 seconds in the role. But those 45 seconds were tremendous! Melissa McCarthy was great but this required no range. Lady Gaga was great too! Honestly, I wish I could take them all home with me. Love you, gals!
Who will win: Ugh this is gonna be a legacy award for Glenn Close: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. So, yeah I suppose whatever it’s fine. She’s given a lot to her country. But The Wife was a pretty tepid, low stakes movie. And the editing was so abrupt that I literally thought American Airlines had incorrectly loaded the movie into their in-flight system because there was neither a beginning nor an end to that movie. And I’m pretty sure it was just, like, 45 minutes of driving around Stockholm. Definitely could have gotten an award for best live action short, though.
Best Picture
“Black Panther”, “BlacKkKlansman”, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “The Favourite”, “Green Book”, “Roma”, “A Star Is Born”, “Vice”
Who should win: Christ, what a mediocre year. Not since... last year have the options been so dire. Some of these movies had their merits. The first hour of A Star Is Born is electric. And it is the best depiction of the scourge of Tinnitus ever captured on film! Black Panther was smart and inventive and, paired with The Favourite, I spent a record amount of time this year actively rooting for the movie villain. Vice was assuredly... a movie! And I’m sure one day I’ll see it on USA and spend 6+ minutes watching as I look for my remote (and I say that as someone who is presently on minute 18 of Tyler Perry’s: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor, a filmic morality play set in the high stakes world of corporate marriage counseling).
I realize I should maybe be rooting for Roma, which would be the first foreign language film to win best picture and it’s a movie about a woman to boot. But... Roma actively angered me. I’ll try to keep this brief: I’m pretty sure Roma didn’t even pass the Bechdel test. It portrays a woman with no thoughts, no depth, no substance whatsoever. There are no illuminating details about her life outside of her employment. AND it gives critics the opportunity to swirl their snifter of brandy in a smoking jacket in front of their computer, stretch their knuckles, and then type such amazing analysis as: "mmmmmyou simply MUST see Roma in theaters to FULLY appreciate it... people of Des Moines, drive 5 hours at once!" Poor Alfonso’s real life nanny. She deserves so much more than this totally surface depiction of a woman doing nothing, being about nothing, talking about nothing, basically to no one. It’s frankly offensive. Beautiful cinematography though. But yeah I paused this movie 14 times. What a slog.
BlacKkKlansman: I guess Spike Lee is never subtle but jeez this is hamfisted. And truly who is this cop-propaganda for? It’s a made up story in order to give the protagonist undue credit for fighting oppression, bookended by shots from Charlottesville as if that will adequately do the heavy lifting for this movie. Woof.
Green Book is the fucking state.
The Favourite good but a little overstuffed with a pretty unsatisfying ending. So who am I rooting for? I guess Black Panther, then. Great for representation, a fun romp, a pretty deep Marvel movie, as far as those things go. And if nothing else, a Black Panther win would be a big fuck you to the Academy for the idea of a popular movie category. Yes, this is the best way to show we have Allison Janney’s back.
Who will win: truly this is anyone’s game this year. I can’t think of more unpredictable year. Right now the best guess is Roma but the Academy could ShapeofWaterArgoCrash itself right into Green Book. Either way, this year's telecast is bound to be a disaster and THAT'S what we're rooting for.
JOIN US FOR THE DISASTER-PORN OF THE YEAR. THE OSCARS LIVE, FEBRUARY 24TH. RED CARPET COVERAGE BEGINNING AT 7, THE OFFICIAL READING OF THE OSCARS BINGO CATEGORIES AT 7:30. AT BED-STUY'S NUMBER ONE PARTY SPACE.
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
NO HOSTS ALLOWED!!