Feb 7, 2026

Subj: PLEASE REALIZE: ICE DANCING-- A LOT IS HAPPENING BEHIND THE SCENES!!

Hi friends,

I would be remiss if I didn't email each and every one of you to let you know about something incredibly important happening at present at the olympic games! And that is: despite the chilly demeanor of the ice, things are heating up, ice dancing-wise! Competition is next week and there's a lot you need to know in order to be a fully prepared citizen! This story has everything-- villains, underdogs, sequins... let's get into it:

Exhibit A: The characters

Below, I'm going to show you images of Team USA (left), Team Canada (center), and Team France (right) and I want you to take a wild stab at who are the enfant terribles of these olympic games:

If you guessed C: France, you would be correct. So backing up, what's the deal here? Well let's start by talking about our resident Lovables:

TEAM USA (Madison Chock and Evan Bates)

Pro: Madison is widely considered to be perhaps the most magnetic (i.e. hottest) force in ice dancing. The whole presentation of this pair --and the kind of thing you will explicitly hear in commentary about this couple--  is that she is just super fuckin hot and how nice it is that Evan dutifully picks her up, floats her hither/thither, and points her at the camera. On top of this, they're married which ups the "aww!" factor (the A.F.) and makes it so that dropping Madison on ice would land Evan in particularly hot water. I've seen true crime docs: it's always the husband. 

Con: Well, as it turns out in ice dancing, being married is actually totally ruinous to sexual chemistry on the ice. The taxonomy of least to most chemistry on ice goes thusly: married < gay boy/straight girl < brother & sister. I don't make the rules. That's just how it is. While they may be technically proficient, people struggle to feel the thrust of their carnal desire on the ice to the extent it is conveyed by duos who share genetic code. 

Are we rooting for them? Heck yeah! Beyond the fact that there has never been a time to be more unquestioningly proud of the United States for its conduct both domestically and on the world stage, these two have never medaled except when their sorry asses were dragged to gold in 2022 by the performance of the rest of team USA in the collective team event. The only prize they've really ever earned is a lifetime of fulfillment, conjoined in a sacrosanct union with their respective soulmate. Which isn't worth shit cuz you can't smelt love. 

TEAM CANADA (Piper Gilles and Paul Poirier)

Pro: These two are zany! They are best known for their avant-garde artistry, costuming, and out-of-the-box approaches to the theme. By the by, did you know that the Olympic skating committee imposes a theme each olympics? This year it's the 90s-- I'm not kidding. Every pair has to dance some ode to the 90s which is why you're going to see so many Persian Gulf War-themed programs and perhaps even a slow speed white Bronco chase on the ice. Anyway, I can't wait to see how Gilles and Poirer interpret this mandate (maybe a dance about NAFTA?) cuz they sure have funky programs! Boy do these Krazy Kids love a theme:

Yep, these two are unashamed of letting their freak flags fly and they are NOT AFRAID to haunt your dreams. These images are probably the last things you'll see before you die! And they're ok with that!

On top of everything, the last two years have been rough on our girl Piper. The sudden death of her mother followed by her own cancer diagnosis (stage 1-- phew! but still!) means that she's putting her all into every performance and ups their A.F. to a whopping 9.6. 

Con: Well... there is the matter of the, uh, ice skating. And... well... I mean if we're being perfectly honest they're not the most technically clean pair. Piper got an absolutely devastating score on her twizzle sequence at the Grand Prix-- I'm sure you already heard. Not gonna belabor a point that is already all that people are talking about these days.. 

Are we rooting for them? Heck yes! I mean, they're lucky if they get 4th. But their chemistry is electric as they have the advantage of being: a gay guy and a straight girl and they're not up against any brother/sister/cousin/cousin pair. 

TEAM FRANCE (Guillaume Cizeron and Laurence Fournier)

Here's what you need to know about this dark, demonic couple. He is a former gold medalist who won alongside some country's sweetheart, Gabriella Papadakis. But as soon as their careers were over, she leveled accusations against him for his toxic, controlling behavior. In reaction to Papadakis' accusations, NBC dropped her contract as a commentator, citing that they want their coverage to be free of "bias, hysteria, periods, and other lady troubles." BRAVE!

When Guillaume decided he wasn't yet done with the profession, he went in search of a new partner-in-crime and what do you know, Laurence Fournier was available! Why, you ask? Well Laurence had been skating for over a decade alongside her boyfriend, Nikolaj Sørensen, but last year when Sørensen was accused of a sexual assault circa 2012, he was banned from the sport for six years. Don't worry! Laurence stands by her man and seems like the two lovebirds are closer than ever. All in all, the timing of the whole sexual and emotional abuse situation was totally great for this new coupling to come together at long last! 

Pro: Well so the unfortunate fact of the matter is that, even though these two have only been ice fuckin for like a year, they are unbelievable. The faustian bargains they made to get back on the ice have absolutely super-charged them and they have a free skate that will make you want to burn your bibles at your nearest Satanic temple. They're just that evil/good.

Con: Well here's where the real villan of the ice skating rink rears its ugly head. SKIRTS. 

Exhibit B: Skirts

It turns out the most dastardly force at play isn't horrendous treatment by women at the hands of men (in fact that problem got solved years ago, I'm told!). It's: flowy skirts. See, Cizaron and Fourneir were the clear favorites at the last international meet, heading into these olympics when, literally in the last second of their free skate, disaster struck in the form of a dislodged skirt. The result?

But they're not alone in this! Remember Madison, the hot hot hottie? Here's a reminder:

Well it may shock you to learn of this fact but Madison takes aesthetics quite seriously. And as such she has repeatedly refused to shorten HER skirt for the matador/bull routine we'll be seeing. The result?

Yes, this skirt has caused constant headaches. Here's a direct quote on the matter:

“It is hard to fully control the skirt,” says their coach Patrice Lauzon. “Sometimes it has a mind of its own. If they skate slightly slower, or have a little more rotation or less rotation, all of that has an effect on it, and it reacts differently.” At one point, he says, “We said, ‘Maybe [the skirt] is not such a good idea,’ but Madi said no, she wanted to keep it. They like the challenge.”

Which skirt will be the ultimate victor in these olympic games? You're just going to have to tune in and see! 

Hi Ice Dance Loving Friends,

I have ONE MORE UPDATE (for now!) As information trickles in, there could be more to come. That's the thing with ice dancing. New information is always coming over the transom and I am locked in a sexy, nose-to-nose dance on the ice with said information. Much like ice dancing itself! Anyway, all to say I have some more insights to share that I hope you please realize!

You know how I said that the ultimate determinant of the winner is whether or not skirts malfunction? Well there are a few more factors that factor in:

Exhibit C: Music Clearance

One of the primary challenges for the 23 couples you'll see tonight was that aforementioned 90s theme. See, apparently the music of the 90s is defined by two major characteristics:

       1. Tempo: 90s music is evidently composed at a tempo that is wholly incongruent with ice dancing! Many couples expressed immense frustration trying to find anything that could work for this genre. This might explain why you will hear Georgia's team slow down Come Out And Play from The Offspring to a nearly funeral-dirge-like tempo. Thankfully one couple had the good sense to go straight to a Will Smith/Lil Kim medley but, for many of the couples, you're going to hear a lot of questionable choices (skate to Everybody Hurts, you cowards!) 

       2. Music clearance: The International Skaters Union makes the announcement of the genre less than a year prior to the olympic games, leaving pitifully little time for music licensing. So you might wonder, when you watch the Czech team, is this an AC/DC song or is this a rough AI recreation of AC/DC-like sounds? Don't worry, your ears are bleeding for the right reasons: it's the latter! What's important is our favorite Canadians were able to clear RuPaul for their zany dance. Which gives the a much needed opportunity for hair-ography (you WILL see an instance of Paul spinning Piper by her ponytail tonight-- be on the lookout!)

Exhibit D: Porous Borders! 

The second thing to keep in mind when watching these teams is that very few skaters are representing their countries of origin. Here's a pop quiz!

A. Is Allison Reed, representing Lithuania from:

[ ] Lithuania

[ ] Kalamazoo, Michigan

B. Is Diana Davis, representing Georgia from:

[ ] Georgia

[ ] Las Vegas, Nevada

C. Is Vadym Kolesnik, whose brother is currently serving in the Ukranian army, and who is representing USA from:

[ ] USA

[ ] Kharkiv, Ukraine

Yes, in this world, citizenship is a total afterthought. What matters the very most is the raw heat of carnal chemistry on the ice! Best found through filling out a questionnaire on icepartnersearch.com. A legitimately real website and where they often find their partners.

The other place they find partners? Why, Montreal, of course. Because-- and this might be one of the bigger conspiracies I want to highlight:

13 OF THE 23 PAIRS YOU WILL SEE COMPETE AT THESE OLYMPICS TRAIN IN MONTREAL IN THE SAME FACILITY UNDER THE SAME COACHING TEAM. 

I can't decide whether this represents the ultimate experimental control, making this the fairest sport in the olympics, or if it makes it the sport most rife for corruption, side deals, and endless conflicts of interest. 

I feel that my world has been shattered! You're telling me, the "sport" of ice dancing may be... subjective? 

Ok but so let's say that we accept that wins and losses are determined by whether music licenses are granted, whether citizenship can be expedited by decree of the President of Lithuania, and whether you are hot and connected enough to secure more lucrative endorsements, perhaps allowing you to afford more of your coach's limited time. Everything else is equal though, right? WRONG

Exhibit E: SKIRTS

So something even more dastardly is afoot. You know how I mentioned in my last (vital) email that winning or losing is a ultimately determined by skirt length, viscocity, pliability, stay-on-body-idity, and stay-out-of-face-ocity? Well not only is that still true but there is a sleeper agent afoot. America's Sweetheart Madison Chock, when not conveying zero carnal chemistry with her husband on ice, is moonlighting as a costume designer and in fact designed the costumes for the Spanish and Georgian teams. Be on the lookout for one or both of these skirts to potentially explode on the ice tonight. Either as a way of undermining the competition or as a nod to the Unabomber so as to be in keeping with the 90s theme.

Which skirt will be the ultimate victor in these olympic games? You're just going to have to tune in and see!