JULY 26, 2021
Hi all,
Reminder: women's gymnastics is taking place on Tuesday and Thursday of this week. I've heard from most of you that you intend to come on Thursday for the all-around competition. Indeed, a good choice! But tomorrow the door shall be open as well. If yesterday is any indication, coverage may start as early as 7:00pm. Alas, NBC Universal doesn't want us to be in control of our own destinies! So the exact start time is yet unclear.
A few things to note:
1. THE HEAT IS ON. I'm sure, like me, everyone breathlessly watched prelims, (including additional coverage on NBC Olympics dot com of additional subdivisions beyond USA-- I highly recommend subdivisions 2 and 5!). But if you didn't, know that the US came in SECOND behind our old foes the USSR! Simone Biles says that it was a case of nerves and that prelims are more stressful than any other night of olympics. But the point is: it's a nail-biter, folks. We actually do not know who will win the team finals tomorrow!
2. To that end: DO NOT CHECK YOUR PHONE AT ANY TIME! THE NEW YORK TIMES is truly harshing our collective mellows and sending spoilery push notifications! I'd recommend you keep your intake of NYT media to: crosswords and cooking ONLY!
3. Regarding the individual all-around on Thursday: now, we know that Simone has a distinct edge on account of being the greatest of all time. But THE HEAT IS ON in regards to silver, as Brazilian gymnast Rebeca Andrade finished second in prelims. What does this mean for America's own Suni Lee?! You'll have to watch to find out!
4. Contrary to earlier reports that head coach Tom Forster is 1. a looker and 2. a mensch, I've received intel that neither is true! First of all, Parker says that I'm the only one who finds him attractive (SAY IT ISN'T SO!) but second of all, Francis' ex-coworker's daughter was ghosted by Two-Timing-Tommy this year when it came to the junior elite national camp invitational. In a very dickish manner! We have it on good authority that he ghosts! He either doesn't care about the feelings of young teenagers or he's very bad at responding to emails but either way, get it together, Tommy! More on that story during a commercial break at some point during Tuesday/Thursday's telecasts.
P.S. Pour one out for MyKayla Skinner who didn't advance to any apparatus final in the prelims despite a robust performance on every event! Between this, the cardboard sexless beds, the ABYSMAL opening ceremonies, and the fact that all the signage still says "Tokyo 2020" this olympics is cursed!
JULY 27, 2021
Hi all,
Just a reminder that, if you haven't done it yet, now might be the ideal time to turn off NYT alerts for everything (except new recipes) in preparation for Thursday's all-around event. The NYT blasted my face with spoilers about tonight's event and they're not to be trusted. This is worse than the time Judith Miller got us into the Iraq war.
Also please let me know if you're coming tonight to witness... nondescript, non-spoilery things... otherwise, I anticipate seeing you Thursday and let's all just rest up and get our heads in the zone. It's going to be a big meet for all of us. I think the best way to prepare would be to follow the lead of the women's gymnastics team. They're taking tomorrow morning off. Simone and Jordan said they plan to watch tiktoks and sleep in (same!). Then there will be an afternoon practice and then Thursday will just be some basic warm-ups before the meet.
Likewise, I recommend taking work off tomorrow morning, doing whatever meditative practice you need to do. And then don't slack in your afternoon practices! I'm going to be drilling my yurchenko two-and-a-half on vault and, of course, my wolf turns on beam. As you know, I'm an uneven bars specialist so I'm not particularly worried about my Tkatchev half twist release but that doesn't mean I'm not going to drill it anyway. And for floor, I'm just going to go out there and have fun, because that's what these olympics are about.
Warm regards,
Elise
JULY 28, 2021
Hi all,
I'm sorry if I'm overloading you with gymnastics news but things are changing minute by minute over in Tokyo (where the year is still mysteriously 2020) and I want to help enrich your viewing experience.
Simone Biles has dropped out of tomorrow's all-around competition. And, honestly, not only do I commend her but I think it's possibly the most inspirational thing I've ever seen in the sport. As someone who has never been able to say "no" to pretty much anything, I'm inspired by her incredible show of self-possession and bravery! Truly, the greatest of all time!
There is someone who has dropped the ball bigtime, however, and that is NBC Universal. Not only did their coverage of the team event yesterday TOTALLY BLOW (they didn't show us a single routine from bronze medalists Great Britain and kept their coverage to 90 minutes of fractured "highlights"), but they also are, in my opinion, a major reason why Simone is backing out of competition. You see, a month ago, during the Olympic team trials, we saw a hint of what was to come. Simone pulled out a so-so performance at a meet where the stakes were supposed to be non-existent (it's not like she was actually competing to be on the team) and we saw her on the sidelines, in tears throughout that whole meet. This might have been the signal to back the fuck off but instead NBC doubled down, making her the only storyline of these Olympics and paying for a security detail to surround her at all times in Tokyo lest an aerosolized Covie partical drift her way. Among the other indignities, they made her pose with an actual goat for an interstitial. And they spent every advertising dollar breathlessly screeching about her all in the name of selling subscriptions to Peacock. What clowns! That said, if NBC Universal would like to hire me, I'm all ears, but that's neither here nor there!
And then there's this message I sent on Sunday, proving I could do a better job than the clowns at NBC (hire me!):
So, ladies and gentleman, let me do the honors of introducing you to Jade Carey, who will be competing in tomorrow's all-around competition alongside Suni Lee (honestly, NBC should be paying me for this). Jade Carey was never a storyline to NBC because she secured her spot in the olympics at the 2019 worlds in Azerbaijan. And from that point in time, everyone acted like she was invisible despite the fact that she had the meet of her life on Sunday. Is she super boring? Yes. Does she look like she's moving in slow motion on the floor? Yes. But does she also have the second most difficult vault besides Simone? Yes. And one more. thing: though it's kind of touch-and-go, Carey is capable of landing THE MOST DIFFICULT TUMBLING PASS EVER PERFORMED IN WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS: a layout triple double. If she lands it successfully tomorrow, it will be named after her. It is the highest graded trick in the books but who knows if she's gonna even try it! We'll have to wait and see!
Let's also talk about someone NBC has wholly neglected to mention: Rebeca Andrade from Brazil who finished Sunday's prelims in second behind Simone and ahead of Suni. There's a good chance a Brazilian woman will win the whole thing tomorrow and yet NBC would have you believe that it's, like, 1984 and the Cold War is heating up. Who are they? The State Department?
Ladies and gentleman, tomorrow is truly anyone's game and you have a front row seat. I'm thinking we're going to skip the prime time coverage in favor of the online version which has the same commentary but with fewer commercials and actual international coverage beyond just Russia. I will be pressing play at 8:00pm. See you then!
xoxoxo