Ladies and gents... Can you believe it?! THAT time? AGAIN?! YES! It’s the OSCARS!!
MARCH 27TH!
7:30 PM!
AT MY HOUSE!!
AND ALSO AT THE DOLBY THEATER IN HOLLYWOOD!
PLEASE RSVP. I CAREFULLY CALIBRATE MY CHICKEN-NUGGET-TO-PERSON RATIO!!
Now, we didn’t get much of a warmup seeing as the Golden Globes have been cast into the abyss and seeing as the SAGs were a total snooze. Not to mention this season has been relatively muted in light of more pressing world events.
Yes, gone are the days of awards-season hysteria and thirsty Oscars campaigns (remember when Melissa Leo personally offered to detail the cars of every Academy member a mere decade ago?) But that’s not to say that we’re living in a world without a shocking number of Oscars-related embarrassments, namely the Academy’s decision to exclude 10 awards categories in the telecast and their even more controversial decision to focus all the cameras on the ceiling of the Dolby Theater rather than on the stage.
But, we’ve certainly survived worse embarrassments. And we’ll somehow hold our heads high and make it through this ceremony as well. With that said, let’s jump right into it!
Oscars Fan Favorite
I’m just gonna get this one out of the way because it’s a fuckin joke, conceptually. It’s basically an award that presumes that viewers at home are too stupid to understand Real Movies and that we need a baby category for our underdeveloped brains. But, that said, here I am, a total fucking dumb dumb engaging with this fake category.
Who should win: It should come as no surprise that, to my mind, this award should go to the Teaser Trailer for Deep Water. Not since The Green Knight has there been such an artful off-screen handjob! That’s 7 whole months between artful off-screen handjobs! And, it’s clear that audiences agree with my assessment:
Who will win: I dunno. Probably some movie about someone getting kicked in the balls or something.
Best Supporting Actress
Jessie Buckly, “The Lost Daughter, Ariana DeBose, “West Side Story”, Judi Dench, “Belfast”, Kirsten Dunst, The Power of the Dog, Aunjanue Ellis, “King Richard”
Who Will Win: Ariana DeBose will win for West Side Story in a role that is lose-proof for any lucky enough to score it. She sang, she danced, she acted, she walked, she talked, she sat, she stood... there’s very little she didn’t do!
Who Should Win: I found Belfast so boring and forgettable that it’s hard to keep any of the characters straight BUT what did stick with me is Judi Dench’s unforgettable transformation into the role of a little boy, growing up during The Troubles. Can you believe THIS is the 87-year old star of CATS, Fred Clause, and The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?? I mean, just look at her transformation!
Who got snubbed: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again! Jeremy Irons carried House of Gucci on her back and she deserves this award!
Also worth mentioning: the Pig from Pig was pregnant during her tour de force performance as a pig in Pig. And she did her own stunts! Another Academy snub!
Best Director
Kenneth Branagh, “Belfast”, Ryusuke Hamaguchi, “Drive My Car”, Paul Thomas Anderson, “Licorice Pizza”, Jane Campion, “The Power of the Dog”, Steven Spielberg, “West Side Story”
Who should win: Though I have not yet seen this film, my understanding is that Ryusuke Hamaguchi, director of Drive My Car, managed to turn the short story of a man dropping his car off at a valet stand into a 46-hour epic about grief, gas prices, and axle alignment. More than any other film, Drive My Car teaches people about the power of driving cars, parking cars, and detailing cars. Not since the film Cars have audiences been so transported into the mind of cars and those who drive cars.
Who will win: You may have heard Sam Elliott go on a Mel Gibson-esque rant about “The Power of the Dog,” his main point being: I wish this movie didn’t have any gay themes and I wish that I was the star of this movie and I wish that this movie was about the life and times of me, Sam Elliott, because movies that aren’t about me are icky and I’m personally offended.
Director Jane Campion had a perfect response, stating (and this is a real quote), that Elliott was “being a B-I-T-C-H.” I can’t think of anything that could better decimate Yosemite Sam in that moment than being called a bitch. BUT this is NOT why Jane Campion is going to win. Jane Campion is going to win because she managed to assemble the world’s most shockingly pale people together in one project while somehow dodging lawsuits from the many crewmembers blinded on set:
No wonder Sam Elliott wanted to be cast:
Who got snubbed: It is incredibly hard to adapt a beloved film --long considered one of the best of all time -- for modern audiences. To take a canonical classic that few felt should be remade in the first place and imbue it with new life is a challenge few directors have the courage to tackle. This film and director have been terribly underrated this whole awards season and I won’t stand for it any longer!
Yes, I’m talking about Malcolm D. Lee, director of Space Jam: A New Legacy. Like, even just looking at this film still gets my heart racing. I feel like I’m the one facing off against the Goon Squad in an attempt to get back to Tune World! This, ladies and gentlemen, is cinema.
Best Supporting Actor
Ciaran Hinds, “Belfast”, Troy Kotsur, “CODA”, Jesse Plemons, “The Power of the Dog”, J.K. Simmons, “Being the Ricardos”, Kodi Smit-McPhee, “The Power of the Dog”
Who should win: Among this sad assemblage, Kodi Smit-McPhee. That said, Woody Norman (Cmon Cmon) did so much more than Ciaran Hinds (Bel-snooze) but I like it when kids take it. I’m always rooting for the under-eight-ers.
Who will win: This one is a total lock for Troy Kotsur from CODA.
Who got snubbed: Ok I’m going to get serious here for a second. You will find this out soon enough because, from this point forward, it’s basically all I’ll talk about. WEST SIDE STORY WAS A FUCKING MASTERPIECE AND IT HAS BEEN CRIMINALLY IGNORED. IT WAS FUCKING EXQUISITE. IT’S THE REASON WE GO TO THE THEATER. IT IS FAR AND AWAY THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR AND MIKE FAIST GAVE A FUCKING LEGENDARY PERFORMANCE AS RIFF. FUCKING ICON.
Best Actress
Jessica Chastain, “The Eyes of Tammy Faye”, Olivia Colman, “The Lost Daughter”, Penélope Cruz, “Parallel Mothers”, Nicole Kidman, “Being the Ricardos”, Kristen Stewart, “Spencer”
Who should win: I think it more prudent to say who shouldn’t win and that’s Kristen Stewart. You guys, we need to stop letting her be in movies. She has zero range and this movie was a full showcase of how microscopic her range is and it was far and away the most unenjoyable moviegoing experience of the year and I’m just mad she’s here when, in all honesty, Lady Gaga was camp perfection.
Who will win: Jessica Chastain seems to be inching towards this award in one of those “always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride-we-owe-you-one” kinds of awards. See: Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. That said, I’m not mad at it because Jessica Chastain blew my wig all the way off my pâté in Scenes From A Marriage and thus gave my favorite LadyActing performance of the year.
Who got snubbed: I can’t believe they nominated this prosthetic face
And yet they snubbed this prosthetic face:
BABY ANNETTE WAS ROBBED!
Production Design & Cinematography
“Dune”, “Nightmare Alley”, “The Power of the Dog”, “The Tragedy of Macbeth”, “West Side Story”
Costume Design
“Cruella”, “Cyrano”, “Dune”, “Nightmare Alley”, “West Side Story”
Who should win: Um... WAS WEST SIDE STORY AN UNPARALLELED VISUAL FANTASIA WITH ICONIC SHOTS THROUGHOUT, PRODUCTION DESIGN THAT ELEVATED EVERY SCENE, AND KALEIDOSCOPIC COSTUMES? Let’s judge based on some film stills, paired with the reaction shots of an anonymous filmgoer:
Who will win: Power of the Dog might take cinematography but, otherwise, Dune is likely to sweep even though those costumes were bartered directly from a camp of silicon valley middle managers at Burning Man and even though the production designer had, like, 6,000 pages of H.R. Giger drawings to steal from.
Adapted Screenplay
“CODA”, “Drive My Car”, “Dune”, “The Lost Daughter”, “The Power of the Dog”
Who will win: The Power of the Dog will win and I think it’s this scene that did it:
Who should win: Honestly? Dune is notoriously impossible to adapt. So give this to The Dunewriter.
Who got snubbed: I can’t fucking believe that treacly screenplay for CODA is nominated (a movie wherein I have to hear the word “jock itch” twice) and Tony Kushner isn’t nominated for breathing life into a classic screenplay desperately needing an update. He added pathos, he added believability, he got rid of all the “daddy-o”s but still made it feel like a period piece. This screenplay was just one of the many reasons why WEST SIDE STORY WAS THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
Ok, on this note, I’m gonna skip ahead a bit and get right to the main event.
Best Picture
“Belfast”, “CODA”, “Don’t Look Up”, “Drive My Car”, “Dune”, “King Richard”, “Licorice Pizza”, “Nightmare Alley”, “The Power of the Dog”, “West Side Story”
Who will win: Ok this is a hard one. I think we’re in a two-way race here between The Power of the Dog (a good film) and Belfast (THE BORINGEST, LOW-STAKESIEST, MOST EMOTIONALLY DISSOCIATED MOVIE OF THE YEAR). I’ll be ok if Dog Power takes it because, hey, it tried something new. But Belfast was a movie in which a woman is watching her neighborhood succumb to literal warfare and, despite the fact that her husband has a job lined up in another country and her son is being conscripted into a gang, she hems and haws for one zillion years about whether they should move to a place that’s like an hour-long flight away. I severely disliked this movie and wanted to throw a wee pint of Guinness at the screen the whole time.
Who should win: I’M SO FUCKIN MAD. I’M SO FUCKIN MAD I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. There’s really only one thing that captures the anger I’m feeling right now!!
Like Koba and Caesar locked in eternal battle, I’m roiled. My love for the Oscars can't compete against the ways in which The Academy is spitting in my face.
You guys, when I saw the trailer for West Side Story I was irritated. I thought: who asked for this? We don’t need this? This is “Casablanca Two: Sam’s Revenge”. This is “Citizen Kane: Electric Boogaloo”. West Side Story is my favorite musical and I was actively against this project.
But then... ladies and gentlemen... I saw this movie and I couldn’t ignore the incontrovertible, highly controversial fact.... Steven Spielberg’s West Side Story is...
It’s....
It...
It’s... better than the original. And the original is a fucking A++ movie. But this film is truly unbelievable... The rearranged songs lend new meaning to the material. The screenplay soars. The story makes more sense! It has more depth. We get a whole new middle act that enhances the love story and heightens the stakes. The recontextualization of the action against the backdrop of gentrification lends a totally new meaning to the whole film while also introducing novel set pieces. The cinematography. The choreography. The acting. The singing. It’s a perfect movie. And no one fucking saw it. And nothing matters. And everything hurts.
ANYWAY, COME JOIN ME FOR A FESTIVE VIEWING OF THE OSCARS!!!
MARCH 27TH, 7:30PM
MAKE SURE TO COME ON TIME IN ORDER TO FILL OUT YOUR OSCARS BALLOT!!