Alright ladies and gents, let's recap today's events in the ladies short program. Don't worry, I didn't miss a thing. Despite my bullshit class on FASCISM taught by THE MAN, I caught all the excitement, beginning at 10am, as I livestreamed it at work. "Do this!" said one NAZI COWORKER (certainly in cahoots with my professor), "do that!" said another! "No!" I loudly exclaimed. This is all to say that my first priority is be there for these skaters, to support them as they cast a spell on the ice!

And what a spell they cast! 30 skaters vying for a mere 24 spots in tomorrow's free skate competition? I literally (not figuratively, literally) cannot think of a more tumultuous thrillride. Like, I'm honestly trying to think. Maybe sitting in a cafe, lazily sipping a latte and then watching the Hindenburg  explode in the near distance- maybe that would have produced a bigger emotional effect (cuz, you know, it changed everything we thought we knew about the zeppelin). But, honestly, I think not!

So we can skim over the six skaters who didn't make it...except for the human embodiment of the word "disappointment," Britain's own Jenna McCorkell. Truth be told, I did not witness this performance (or maybe blocked it out of my memory) but I can only assume that it was foolish as all get out. I don't want to be overly mean so I'll stop right after this but let me just explain the reason for my irrational McCorkell hate. It's because it conjures haunting memories of her fellow British compatriot, gymnast Elizabeth Twiddle. See, Twiddle was the clear favorite to win the uneven bars gold at London two years ago. No one could touch the difficulty of her program! But I'm pretty sure that Britain is getting smoten for their sins over the last two centuries. So, of course, Liz twiddled the whole thing and lost like fuck (bronze medal? I win those in my sleep!)

Let's move the conversation on to people who don't make me question my faith in humanity entirely. Let's skip all the middling shit and go right to the heart of the matter: clear favorite Julia Lipnitskaya ate it. She fell simultaneously on her ass and face and sides. She actually fell into the ice and has been stuck there for hours. Initially, there was a clear, speedy plan for extracting her from the ice. But some Russian engineers heard there was money to be had in the business of extracting Lipnitskayas. This game of corruption telephone has snowballed and now men are stationed outside the arena, charging bribes for one glimpse at Lipnitskaya's frozen form. Most people don't know this but this is exactly what happened to Lenin and why you can view his body in the Red Square. He ate it so hard y'all on a double axel. You heard me right. A double axel. Not even a triple. That's why communism failed.

Moving along, obvi Yuna Kim Spidey Smashed it. Do we expect any less from the gold medalist of wherever the last winter olympics were held? She killed it with a moste elegante performancee. Even Julia Lipnitskaya couldn't hold back the waterworks as she watched the performance from under the icy surface. It was definitive proof that angels exist at a time when Jenna McCorkell had rendered me hopeless. You hear that McCorkell? Your faustian bargain failed and you're stuck being a British non-Yuna-Kim.

The real surprise of the night? Adelina Sotnikova's killer turn on the ice. Fierce. Luminous. Daring. Wearing fiery orange and dancing to some presumably lame elevator musak, Sotnikova glided into second place and into my heart. I could say more but I gotta wrap it up. The only other thing is that Mao Asada went for the triple axel and of course the same fate befell her that has befallen EVERY OTHER WOMAN WHO ATTEMPTS TO DO THE TRIPLE AXEL IN A HIGH-STAKES COMPETITION (why do they go for it still?!): she befell. She hella befell, y'all. It was an unmitigated disaster from the woman who is legit the most beloved athlete in all of Japan. It could be because she's past her prime and shouldn't try such a risky maneuver in competition. It could be because of the pressure of going last. Or it could be because McCorkell created a blackhole that affected the gravitational dynamics in the arena. Probably that latter point.

Well, tomorrow is another day. Perhaps Asada will make a comeback. Perhaps Lipnitskaya will be extracted from the ice in time to compete. We'll have to wait and see. The competition is fierce, ladies and gentlemen. My only question for you is: are you ready???