Hello friends!!
It’s that time again! THE OSCARS! MARCH 15TH!! MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!
Now people ask me how funemployment is going. Let’s just say I’ve watched 45 OF THE 50 nominated films this year. It was a huge sacrifice, and required I compromise many of my core principals, even taking down my lawn sign:
That said, I made a new sign which now stands in its stead, following my viewing of Avatar: Fire and Ash (more like UNINSPIRED AND ASS!):
Now you ask: was it hard to sit and stare at a screen this much? Well, the good news is that 2025 was a phenomenal year for movies. Truly truly special. I can’t wait to see how the sole remaining studio, ParaWarnerFlix, tops this year in film!
The other big news to come out last year is that the academy awards are moving to Youtube in 2029. Plenty of people are decrying this shift as the final nail in the coffin for both the ceremony but also the glitz and glamour of the entertainment industry writ large. An ominous sign as we move towards ephemeral and meaningless short-form content, celebrate shrinking attention spans, pander to the lowest bidder, and gut every institution of artistic merit.
Me? I happen to like the way it signals that the Oscars are finally democratized for everyone. Why watch Hollywood’s A-list get dolled up and walk down red carpets in their ball gowns and tuxedos when we could just grab every slob in sweatpants coming off a redye at Newark airport and deposit them directly onto the brown carpet? Anticipating this could be me one day,I even went so far as to practice my glambot pose:
Yep, if you ask me, the YouTube-ification of the most glittering, special event of the year is just fabulous. In fact, I’ll go one step further. Why even televise the event? Why not just announce the winners in a news ticker underneath the image of a life-sized poptart being violently devoured at a college football game? Or maybe it could be something that appears as the default programming at La Quinta in Myrtle Beach so that lucky spring breakers can throw up to it in the background. Really-- why try and do literally anything elevated or with a modicum of artistic significance? Why try to preserve any sense of elegance or dignity? Why go in search of beauty or meaning?
Anyway let’s get started! The Oscars!
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Best casting
Hamnet, Marty Supreme, One Battle After Another, The Secret Agent, Sinners
Who should win: For the first time in 24 years, the Oscars are introducing a new category!!
The fun news here is that there is basically no intuitive criteria to go off of because this is all so novel. And it's technically an award for the casting director, not for the ensemble. So, like, are we mainly talking about an award for casting the stars attached to the film package who help secure financing? Are we talking: casting on the basis of intensive data analysis and Q-scores? Is this about instagram follower count? PR reps? Personal relationships between casting directors and agents? What is it about?
I suppose one could think of it in terms of worldbuilding and atmospherics and naturalism, in which case this should go to The Secret Agent. But me? I’m gonna make it about face. And no movie this year had more face than Marty Supreme. My God. Look at the faces on these faces:
What even was the casting call? “Need furrows and crags. Blood Pressure over 150”?
Who will win: I dunno prolly Sinners?
Who got snubbed: I’m pretty sure the hardest uphill battle this year was borne by the team behind Snow White. It all starts when the movie is in pre-production and Peter Dinklage calls the property itself a backwards depiction of dwarfism which sends the studio into a panic. So they do the morally right thing which is to remove seven decent acting jobs (for literally anyone-- they could have gone the Lord of the Rings route!) and decide to CGI all 7 dwarves, thus leading to further blowback from the little person community and advancing existential fears among the general acting community that their jobs could be Tilly Norwood-ed whenever ParaWarnerFlix feels like it-- right around the time that SAG goes on strike in part due to this exact issue.
Now you might say that actually sounds like a huge publicity nightmare, no? Pay attention! You’re playing checkers, they’re playing fourth dimensional chess! You can cover all this up by attaching two leads who are locked in a vicious battle over their allegiance towards Israel versus Palestine! Then you make sure that the CEO of Disney gets into a public dispute wherein he is seen launching a pressure campaign against his tentpole starlet for her pro-Palestine stance. The result is a studio shamed, a box office bomb, and the needless conscription of Disney’s most beloved and groundbreaking property into the crosshairs of Middle East politics at a moment of maximal global tension. Bada-bing-bada-boom: now that’s how you cast a movie!
Best cinematography
Frankenstein, Marty Supreme, One Battle After Another, Sinners, Train Dreams
Should win: When I wasn’t seeing the back of my eyelids, I vaguely remember Train Dreams having pretty imagery. But my vote goes to One Battle After Another. There is no question that last chase scene -- in which Chase Infiniti is chased into infinity -- fucked pretty hard. Loved this movie and the way it looked.
Will Win: Sinners. Fine. It’s pretty. I’m not mad. I didn’t hate it. I just... we’ll get to it later.
Who Got Snubbed: Kinda shocked that No Other Choice got totally shut out altogether but here in particular. It was probably my favorite cinematography among all the major contenders this year. But not surprised that Sentimental Value was snubbed. See, they were shortlisted but that’s when I called up the Academy and pointed out how they totally fucking ripped me off when it came to this shot. See for yourself:
Nice fucking try, Joaquim Trier.
Best documentary feature film
The Alabama Solution, Come See Me in the Good Light, Cutting Through Rocks, Mr Nobody Against Putin, The Perfect Neighbor
Who should and will win: Fabulous options this year. I thought all of these were spellbinding but The Perfect Neighbor? More like The Perfect Documentary!
Who got snubbed: I know this is technically a series but seeing as OJ Made In America was able to break the rules to nab its 2017 oscar, I think we should take serialized documentaries more seriously as part of the Oscars conversation. And there was no more devastating piece of nonfiction filmmaking I saw this year than The Baldwins. This prestige series-- TLC’s first -- opens in medias res as an aging, depressive actor finds himself embroiled in a muder trial while trying to support his immigrant wife, their seven young children, eight pets, two properties, and five nannies.
Now more than ever I think it’s incredibly important to engage with matters of criminal justice and the immigrant experience. This series was an incisive look at how we grapple with identity and also the toll that having seven young children, eight pets, two properties, and five nannies can have on a man otherwise known for his stoicism. I have never felt so heavy watching anything. Kind of embarrassing to show you guys but I actually have a selfie I took immediately after I watched the pilot just to prove what I mean:
Above: Me, age 37
Best original song
Diane Warren for “Dear Me” from “Diane Warren: Relentless”, EJAE, Mark Sonnenblick, Joong Gyu Kwak, Yu Han Lee, Hee Dong Nam, Jeong Hoon Seon and Teddy Park for “Golden” from “KPop Demon Hunters”, Raphael Saadiq and Ludwig Goransson for “I Lied to You” from “Sinners”, Nicholas Pike for Sweet Dreams of Joy from “Viva Verdi!”, Nick Cave and Bryce Dessner for “Train Dreams” from “Train Dreams”
Will win: This is obviously going to Golden which arguably became the song of the year and is currently playing at a Rite Aid near you at maximum volume while some sad patron waits for an employee to come by with a key to the toothpaste case.
Should win: I know at this point it’s a joke that Dianne Warren is just sitting there in the audience with her lil Ghislaine Maxwell visage losing over and over again as penance for Ghislaine Maxwell’s crimes, but I’ll point out that this is a song written to accompany A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT DIANNE WARREN. So if she loses it will... well I can’t deny it will be especially funny, And this is basically the only justice we’ll get when it comes to Jeffrey Epstein so I guess this is the way it has to be.
Above: Ghislaine Maxwell and another woman currently suffering in an interminable prison sentence, from which she will never receive an academy award.
Who got snubbed: The Testament of Ann Lee got notably snubbed in a lot of categories (best actress, obviously, and also most face-casting) but none more than with their original songs which seamlessly translated 18th century Shaker hymnals into the kind of toe-tappers you hope to get down to at the club. That said, perhaps the subject matter -- mainly prohibitions against sex and esoteric details for building wooden furniture-- was alienating to viewers:
Best actress in a supporting role
Elle Fanning, “Sentimental Value”, Inga Ibsdotter Lilleaas, “Sentimental Value”, Amy Madigan, “Weapons”, Wunmi Mosaku, “Sinners”, Teyana Taylor, “One Battle After Another”
Who should: IMO Teyana Taylor. And btw it should come as no surprise that Taylor was mesmerizing in One Battle After Another. If you’re looking for any more evidence that she’s an incredible actor, I recommend watching her star turn in 2023’s A Thousand And One.
Who will win: Just in the last week or so, the race has swung in Amy Madigan’s favor for her transformative role as Aunt Gladys in Weapons:
To which I say: big fucking whoop! People say her portrayal was inventive and unique. But she stole the whole idea of this character from my LinkedIn page:
Who got snubbed: At first I was thinking it’s Son Ye-jin who was absolutely incredible in No Other Choice but later I saw James L Brooks’ latest masterpiece, Ella Mccay, about a woman who becomes governor or something? But also her brother is trying to get together with an ex and so she has to help him do that? And I think there’s something happening in her marriage? Like there’s also a thing with, like, a bribery scandal? And also --ok this I do remember-- there’s stuff she’s trying to manage with her father cuz her father cheats on her mom? Oh and backing up.. her mom died and that was sad? And I should mention her brother has agoraphobia? Also she wants to introduce a bill to fund early childhood education I think? Also this takes place in 2008, I believe?
Anyway! Forget that it has a 23% on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s a masterpiece--the only movie brave enough to literally start with the line “Hi, I’m the narrator” --and its place in the 21st century film canon is largely cemented by the bold and transformative performance of Jamie Lee Curtis who, once again, demonstrates her chameleon-like acting skills while having the courage to part her hair slightly differently and wear a more ovular glasses shape than in prior roles:
Sad that the Academy is willing to celebrate such a forgettable, lifeless character like Perfidia Beverly Hills and is forgetting the indelible role of [checks notes]... Aunt Helen. : (
Best actor in a leading role
Timothée Chalamet, “Marty Supreme”, Leonardo DiCaprio, “One Battle After Another”, Ethan Hawke, “Blue Moon”, Michael B. Jordan, “Sinners”, Wagner Moura, “The Secret Agent”
Who Should Win: I consider these performances all so different that it’s hard to assess based on merit. However, it’s not at all hard to assess based on effort. Only one of these actors continuously embarrassed himself in music videos and fake zooms. And only one actor faced global backlash for these efforts:
I have to say I was totally onboard with this approach until I saw that Chalamet had gone so far as to advertise Marty Supreme in the Epstein Files. I mean... Judge for yourselves. I personally think this is pretty tacky:
Who will win: Guys I have no idea!! I usually get my odds from the SAGs but there are no trendlines this year when it comes to best actor. This is truly anyone’s race and these Oscars-- across the board-- are wide-open-er than any in recent memory. WATCH THIS AND OTHER SPACES!
Who Got Snubbed: By far the biggest snub of the year, in my opinion, is the absence of Jesse Plemons from this conversation. Below, a photo of me receiving the news of this snub:
Best picture
“Bugonia”, “F1”, “Frankenstein”, “Hamnet”, “Marty Supreme”, “One Battle After Another”, “The Secret Agent”, “Sentimental Value”, “Sinners”, “Train Dreams”
Who should win: People will tell you this is a year about political rebellion and subversion. A year of cinematic insurrection. Movies like One Battle After Another, Bugonia, The Secret Agent, No Other Choice were a primal scream of open revolt against the machinery of power, critiquing the perversions of militarism, the grotesqueries of late-stage capitalism, and the rotted social order widening inequality. Those people will say these movies are flares shot into a darkening sky, and an indication of the tumult ahead.
But those people would be WRONG. This is actually the year of the DAD. Resenting dad. Feeling dad’s absence. Grieving dad’s loss. Dad grieving his own loss. But it’s also the year of the dad movie, which is how you get Train Dreams and F1 in the mix.
And there was no other movie that made me think more about my dad than One Battle After Another. Sorry, Sentimental Value, but my dad wasn’t a famous director. Therefore you are relatively worthless to me as a film.
Who will win: This is undoubtedly a fight between Sinners and One Battle After Another and, man, it’s anyone’s game. After the SAG awards (sorry, I’m never going to call it “The Actors”), Sinners seems to have the edge but this is the tightest Oscars race in recent memory. Now I’m very much hoping it goes to One Battle After Another which I thought was truly incredible whereas Sinners was kinda well... overlong and slow and I didn’t really enjoy the experience of watching it hardly at all? Sorry? Like, I can certainly see what’s artful about it and I think Ryan Coogler is a gem but yeah. Nah. Sorry. Don’t yell at me.
Who got snubbed: This movie never had a chance of being nominated because it evidently never had a chance of being marketed at all, but Twinless (now on Hulu!) was the actual most surprising movie I saw this year and had probably the strongest lead acting performance (Dylan O’Brien). Or at least it’s a toss up between him and Jesse Plemons.
I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the continual Academy snub of 2014’s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes which is arguably the most important movie about fatherhood of the 21st century, as evidenced by this GIF I just found.
As for how I’d rank these year’s Oscars movies? Well, you’re in luck! I actually --like a sociopath-- made a little spreadsheet of the 45 films I watched and put them in ranked order. Peruse below at your leisure or don’t who cares. I do this for me! I am the father of this email! And therefore I can come and go as I please with little to no explanation or consideration of your experience!
THE OSCARS!! MARCH 15th!! SEE THEM ON TELEVISION BEFORE THEY’RE ONLY AVAILABLE ON THE SEATBACK CONSOLE IN YELLOW CABS!!
